Fault or Fate
by thelast.thingido
Summary: "Fault or fate, I'll never be free of either one. So, you'll never be free of me." Companion piece to Mine Alone to Hate . Snow POV . Snow/Regina
1. Death or Exile

AN: This a sequel to Mine Alone to Hate. It's more of a companion fic, placed in Snow's POV. It's going to be maybe six or seven chapters, and it takes place along with the story. I didn't re-write any of the chapters in a different POV, because that did not seem appealing of an idea at all, but this is more of an 'in between' of what you've already read. The tone and style of writing is going to be different because it's Snow and not Regina. Obviously I don't own you, so you don't have to read Mine Alone to Hate before reading this, but it might help, because we kind of just jump right in with this ;)

This starts with a flashback chapter, and I know the first couple of chapters are short. The length will fluctuate probably, but I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think! :)

* * *

"_Fault or fate, I'll never be free of either one. So, you'll never be free of me."_

* * *

"Would you like to hear a story?"

I felt her stirring next to me at that, just when I thought she had gone to sleep. Though she never would, not while I was in her bed. She would never allow such weakness.

"It is too late for stories, Snow." She said, speaking of the time of day, but her tone meant otherwise. Regina sat up in her bed, her back facing away from me. The nightgown she wore hung loosely around the curves of her body, a strap of silk material falling off of her shoulder, and I wanted to kiss the skin there, but I stayed on my back, knowing she wouldn't allow for it.

"It's early still." I argued softly, even though the moon was high, and sleep was quickly gripping me. I only wished she would let me stay a little while longer, just to let the afterglow of my pleasure fade completely before being sent away into the cold hallway. Sent back to an empty bed. I knew why I couldn't stay the entire night, I just wished for a little while longer.

Regina stayed quiet next to me, the muscles in her back flexing as she sat up straighter, her long hair cascading down her back. She was so beautiful like this. She was so beautiful like anything, but like this, it was the closest thing I ever got to seeing her guard down around me. Even then though, the walls were taller than the tallest castle in the land.

"Once upon a time there was a son, born of a King." I began, since she stayed so silent. Her shoulders tensed at the start of my speaking, but quick enough I saw her body relax and her head turned to the side to watch me from the corner of her eye. I could see the light of the moon outline her profile, so I leaned up on my elbows to get a better view of her face. The sheets that covered my chest fell down to settle at my hips. "He was prophesied to kill his father, and marry his mother." Regina turned fully at that, looking at my face, but her sight caught on my bare breasts for a moment, and a small smile caught on my lips. I affected her far more than she would ever admit. "So, he was banished as a child, and left for dead." Her hand moved casually towards me, fingers catching on the sheet at my hips, and slowly she pulled it down, her eyes watching as my skin reddened at her persistent stare. Still, I continued my story. "Once grown he found his way back to his kingdom, but did not recognize it as his, nor the people in it." Her hand now at my ankles, moved back up to trail fingertips along my legs, thighs spreading on instinct, and she was pretending not to listen, but I knew better.

"Without knowing the sight of his father's face, he killed him, and without knowing his mother's face, he married her,"

As her fingers moved over my thighs, and along my hip bones, I laid back against the soft mattress, watching as she licked her lips just to tease.

"They loved each other and had children and were very happy as a family,"

My breath hitched and words paused when the wandering hand scraped a single nail gently over my nipple. Her sight was utterly distracted by my body, and for a moment I believed she really wasn't listening. I continued regardless, because there was a moral, and it was one I wished to tell her.

"When it was revealed that it was the king and the father that he killed,"

Regina bent down to hover over me, eyes on my lips as they spoke in shaky breaths.

"That he was the prophesied son, he was exiled,"

I felt her breath against my mouth, my eyes closed in preparation for her patience to dwindle with the story, for us to start our dance over again, from the beginning until the end of time.

"Despite his ignorance and naivety, the King's death was his fault…" I whispered, and no kiss came. My eyes opened to see her moving away from me, looking at me with an expression that was almost unreadable.

Something about my words worried her, and that worried me in kind.

Her eyebrows knitted together, the air between us grew cold, as she pulled away completely, standing from the bed and walking towards the large balcony of her bedchambers. Regina spent long moments looking out onto the sleeping kingdom, as I sat up fully, pulling the sheets over my chest, feeling very suddenly exposed and vulnerable.

"And the Queen?" Regina spoke quietly, lost in thought. "What of her?"

"She…" I swallowed hard and looked away. "She killed herself." There was no reaction to my words from her, so I quickly amended; "The moral though, it's about fate." Though the moral seemed lost on her by now, seeing only her own meanings in the words I spoke. I continued quietly, "Fate is determined, despite the lengths you go, how far you run." Her arms wrapped around her body, and it could have been from the chill of the night air. "You never escape it, because you can't change what's meant to be."

Finally Regina turned away from the balcony, walking along the large space of the room, her eyes glancing towards me for only a moment before speaking.

"I would have assumed the moral be not to share a bed with your mother." I felt my face flush and skin redden at those words, but her sight was elsewhere and the effect of her statement went unnoticed by her. Regina's movements stopped in front of her own reflection from a large wall mirror. "Therein lies only death or exile." Fingers traced the frame of a looking glass she had with her since after the wedding, all those years ago. The articulate designs of the framing always stood out against the other décor, which was the only reason I had remembered such a fact after all those years. She turned to face me quite suddenly, her features hardened and a mask in place once more.

And a look in her eyes, one she had more and more these days. One that led way to secrets and suspicion. Betrayal felt imminent in that moment, as her eyebrow arched challengingly, and dark smirk settled on her lips.

"Or perhaps both."


	2. All Over Again

AN: I'm really hoping to update in a timely manner, but no promises. I'm working on two other fics at the moment, because I enjoy overwhelming myself so that I'm set up for failure :) But really, I hope to keep on writing, so it shouldn't take too long. Leave a review and let me know what you think!

* * *

Sometimes we can stop. Sometimes, I don't call her, and she doesn't leave her house for days, almost weeks. It's a separation that tears us apart, but we pretend that it doesn't. I pretend to be happy with Charming and his soft kisses and gentle words, and she has nothing but hateful snark to give me if we see each other in passing.

As if some unspoken sign that we were both finished and over with all the things of our past.

Sometimes we can stop, but we're never done.

Because eventually the day comes when I wake up feeling drained and angry, snipping at my family and drinking too much coffee. The day starts off awful and I know what it means, what I want. What I _need_.

Her. Always her.

Then it starts all over again.

And on those days, when I call she always answers. On those days if we see each other in passing, there's no sarcastic comments. There's only her dark and piecing stare into me, one that I can see from blocks away. She's quiet on those days, and so am I. Silent looks and nonverbal communication. That's how we always end up in these dangerous kinds of situations.

Like now, with my back pressed against the bookshelves in the back of the library, her body pressed into mine, the back of her thigh pushed into the back of her hand as it moves deeper under my skirt. I wore it for her, thinking of her as I picked out the black mini, and thigh high brown boots. It's not a usual look for my wardrobe, but I didn't feel like Mary Margaret this morning. When I woke in a sweat, from dreams of her, soaked between my thighs and _aching_, I felt like Regina's property. Lost and wanting to find its way back home.

At this moment, home feels like her crushing kiss that's filled with desperation and release all at the same time.

She likes the skirt, that much was made obvious when she first saw me in it, as she was leaving the diner not fifteen minutes ago. I was waiting for her a half a block down the road, pretending to read the paper near the floral shop, but watching her eyes catch on mine. The look was there, and so was about a hundred safer ways for us to do this, but damn this stubborn woman for not carrying her cell phone.

When she walked over to me, she stopped briefly, looking me up and down and taking her time to run the gaze up my legs. The muscles in my thighs clenched tight at her stare, and Regina noticed the movement. Then she was gone, walking away and past her parked car, causing me to follow at a leisurely distance. It was noon on a weekday, so I was grateful for the empty streets and sidewalks. I don't want to find out how little it would matter either way, with how desperate I was for her right then.

And desperate still, not caring when she led me into the empty library, Belle busy on her lunch break.

My body was so ready for her fingers as they pushed aside my underwear, and Regina made sure to tell me that much, before pushing me against the shelves. Now, her lips settle on a spot behind my ear, one she knows drives me crazy—because _she_ drives me crazy, sucking so gently, not enough to leave a mark, but hard enough for a moan to break out of my lungs. At the sound, my eyes open when I feel Regina's palm move to cover my mouth, but the hand between my legs never slows.

"Really, dear. Is it too much to ask that you stay quiet while I _fuck_ you?" A quick curve of her fingers, has me whimpering into her hand as my body tenses, so close, and so quiet while she whispers in my ear. It might not even be real words, because my ears are ringing from the pleasure she's pulling out of me.

"Such a compromising position that anyone could find you in,"

It never feels like this, not with anyone else, and I don't know if it's her experience, or simply my experience with her, but it's blinding the way this need for her hits me. Like a drowning flame that wraps around my body, and it takes her face, her smirk and sneer as I beg her for something that never satisfies—not in any kind of lasting way. But I need it, like addiction, like an ache. And that word—that _ache_—that's accurate. I ache for her in all the wrong ways, in all the ways that never satisfy.

"Is it _that_ good?" Her palm on my hand serves of a reminder for silence, and it's a good thing too, because sounds are threatening their way through my body. Begging and moaning, and I don't like being quiet, I don't like hiding and sneaking around, doing these dangerous things that hold so many consequences to it. I don't like the way it turns me on, having her need me to want her so desperately, that even fear of losing everything—for both of us—isn't enough to get her to stop.

"Do you want it so _badly_?" Regina's movements gain a rhythm that has a clear intention, my body starts shaking at the feeling, so quick—so close—my eyes shut tight and her hand against my mouth shifts enough to gently push a finger between my lips, and I accept the gift eagerly.

Then she's humming in my ear, and I bite at her finger without meaning to as I come hard against her hand, but she doesn't pull away. She just keeping humming and trailing wet kisses along my neck. The intimacy last for a few moments, because in the time right after, as my body shakes and shudders, she's never cruel. Regina just allows me all the attention I need and want from her, but only for a few moments. Then, it's always ripped away as if just to tease me with what it must be like if we were different people. So, perhaps it is meant to be cruel.

Once my body goes slack against the books behind me, my tongue moves gently along her middle finger, to sooth the sting of my teeth before she's pulling it out of my mouth.

"You're lucky I'm not still mayor, dear." Regina whispers softly, lingering longer than she needs to be, and I revel in it, brushing my cheek against her lips and smiling softly. "I would make it a crime for you to wear that skirt."

"I would spend much more time behind bars." Then I chuckle lightly, causing her to pull away and look at me curiously. "Or tied to them." My face turns red at my own thought, as I smile at her and think about last week and how she tied me to her bed, and it was like torture. Beautiful torture.

I won't think so in a few more minutes. The guilt will start then, her pushing me away and showing me all over again how foolish I am—how weak we both are for doing this all over again. And in a few days, we'll do it all over again.

Her eyes flash dark along with her growing smirk towards my words, but quick enough it's replaced with stone and ice, as she pulls away and starts adjusting her blouse and brushing out the wrinkles in her blazer.

"Why didn't you do this before?" I ask, just for something to ask, just to make this last a little while longer. Just to let the afterglow of my pleasure fade completely before being sent away into the cold. Regina's eyes narrow at me, confused. "When we were cursed? Twenty-eight years…" My voice faded, because it did sound like a lifetime, like an internal purgatory. It wasn't like that for us though, it was like a blink of an eye. I remember everything that happened, but it was easy because every day was the same day, so twenty-eight years felt like a single day. I wonder if it felt the same for her.

Regina raises her hand once more, trailing her thumb long the bottom of my lip.

"Mary Margaret had more self-respect." She replies with almost no sign of bite to her voice at all, only humor and a wink. It surprises me like nothing else. I figure my attempt at conversation would be rebuffed and trampled on, just like every time before, but there's no tense anger between us, not for the first time in _so_ long. My smile grows slightly, and I lean in to kiss her, due to my innate instinct to always push my luck, and as soon as I do, we both hear the chime of the library door sound, indicating someone entering.

Then she's gone, without a second glance, ducking away and out of the stacks, giving a tense and polite greeting to Belle that isn't returned and I hear the door chime again at her exit.


	3. A Hero's Fault

AN: The last chapter, and this chapter takes place between ch 6 and 7 of Mine Alone to Hate, just so you guys know. And I love the reviews, you're all so nice to me and thank you very much. I hope you enjoy. :)

* * *

Sometimes we talk, and it never ends well

* * *

"Why do you come here, if not for love?"

I almost smile, as if it's some kind of victory, her remembering conversations from weeks ago. I'm sure she thinks if she has me desperate enough, dizzied enough by her withholding, that I will just give her all her answers. Her efforts were admirable though, because _my God_ am I desperate for her tonight. I wasn't when I first showed up, I was sullen and filled with guilt, barely speaking, though her mood didn't allow for it. She was quick to tear at my defenses piece by piece, as if they were paper. As if it was the easiest thing in the world to do.

She's kissing me while she murmurs the question against my mouth, her hovering over me as I lie naked on her bed, the material of her shirt rubbing gently against my breasts, and I arch into the feeling. It's easy to forget about all the reasons why I shouldn't be here, about all my reservations and morality, when we're in the space that belongs to her, no semblance of my life lies within these walls, so my mind clears of everything but Regina.

"I thought you didn't care." Her teeth bite hard at my bottom lip, because there's a smile in my voice so she makes it a hiss from the sudden sting. She pulls back slightly, looking full of malice and mirth.

"Don't play games." Regina warns, and my hand moves down her chest and under the material of her open blouse, and there's pride in me that I managed to get it unbuttoned before she pushed me away and distracted me with other things. And I know I don't deserve her body, but it doesn't stop me from _wanting_ it. Desperately. It's something that consumes me most of every single moment.

"I'm good at games." I whisper, pressing my body against her as my hand lightly cups her bra covered breast, and her eyes turn red over blown out pupils, a sneer shooting across her face, because I push too far with her, I know. But it's an instinctual reaction, engrained into me from my youth. Because any reaction is better than none, any attention she gives is better than ignoring me, closed off inside herself, for days and weeks, and she would go _months_ without speaking a single word to me, and it made me starving for her.

Regina sits up suddenly, her skirt riding up as she straddles my hips. Her hands smack away mine when they reach for the exposed skin of her thighs. She moves her hands then, over my hips and ribs. Lightly until a single nail settles in the valley between my breasts. Regina presses it into my skin, her eyes rapt in attention to her action, dragging the nail down my body in a straight line. As if she were preparing to cut me open, leaving an angry red mark in its wake. She always did like me in red.

She speaks as she drags the nail down my body, making me squirm and bite my already swollen lip.

"As am I, dear, but you will not enjoy my games."

"And yet here I am." I whisper.

Brown eyes snap to meet mine.

"Why?"

* * *

"David was calling for you." Red says as a greeting when I walk into the diner, the 'closed' sign is displayed in the window, but she leaves the door unlocked, expecting me.

"What did you tell him?" I ask absently, as I hang up my coat and make my way over to the counter where she's pouring a cup of coffee.

"That you were doing something other than what you were doing." She says with an arched eye brow and the slightest hint of an accusing tone, while I sit down on a stool in front of her. Despite the fact that she hates what I'm doing with Regina, her loyalty always lies with me, not David.

Though it only takes a few sips of my coffee before she asks.

"Do you think he knows?"

Because something like this would seem obvious to Red. She knew the first time, and it was mostly because of my own stupidity, walking into the diner to meet Emma not even an hour after Regina staked claim in me once more against the wall of her office. Red smelled it all over me, and nearly dropped the tray of food she was holding when we made eye contact.

Being half wolf has its advantages, but she assured me that day, that this wasn't one of them.

"He probably suspects something." At least I wish he did, I wish he knew so I would have nothing left to hide. I wish I was strong enough to tell him. But denial is such a good defensive mechanism. It twists realities to make it something bearable, with control and comfort. It's a powerful thing. "I never told him about her, though."

"Why not?"

I sigh, in mild frustration.

"Because I know how it looks." My eyes meet hers. "How he would look at it—the same way _you_ look at it."

"That she was your step-mother, and she took your innocence?" Red states more than asks, her voice has a haughty casual tone. I know she's just trying to show me Regina's fault in this, but it only makes me feel more guilty.

"I gave it to her." I whisper, my voice thick with an unexpected emotion. The sigh she gives at that sounds like defeat as her fingers fiddle with the placemats on the counter.

"You're always defending her. You're just as crazy as she is for always blaming you."

* * *

Regina leans down with her eyes on me, and runs her tongue along the long red mark, over the muscles of my torso until her mouth settles between my breasts, and she bites at my collar bone before moving higher to my neck.

"A hero's fault." I say, and it causes her to freeze above me, her breath hitting my neck. "It leads me to you, every time."

Regina finally raises, looking at me with a curious suspicion, a look she carried often when we were younger. Her mind's there now, I can tell.

"To be defeated by you." I kiss her lightly, raising up to meet our lips, before whispering against her cheek. "You won, Regina. Claim your prize."

And that may as well have been the greatest romantic gesture ever given, what with the way she _moans_ at the words, her lips claim mine with such _passion_.

It's not a lie, because it's been a long time since I came to her because of love.

I'm here because she is my fault.

* * *

"Have you talked to Leroy and the rest, about the caves?" I ask Red, trying to distract her from topics that go around in circles and to no avail. It works, her body visibly relaxing as she leans down on her elbows, and fiddles with her hands.

"The fairies are still working, they don't know how much magic it will take, let alone how long it will take to get it." Not many know of the plan we set in motion, to find a way back to our land. And it's only kept that way, in case we fail in finding a way to open the portal.

"Right. We won't get a team together until we know more though." I say specifically, because she already is hinting that I should be the one who leaves. I understand that she thinks it'll be better if I'm away from Regina. I just know that it won't be, I know that it'll only be that much worse. I can't leave her, now that she's back in my veins, because every time she burrows in, more and more. Soon enough they'll be nothing left of me, only her.

I can't leave her and she won't let me go.

* * *

"…Please," The word is one of her favorites coming from my mouth, "My Queen." And that's her other favorite, because she's unpredictable sometimes, but those words work on her when I need them to. When I need her to finally finish my torture.

"I think I can keep you begging all night, don't you?" I moan again and look down at her smiling up at me from between my legs. Her lips wet from their efforts moments ago, teasing me with her tongue but never enough to allow me to finish. Her mouth always drives me crazy, and my voice is already raw from crying out. "Fitting punishment tonight, wouldn't you agree?"

She thinks this is a punishment. She'll tell me it's mine, but I figured out some time ago, that being with me is just as much about her punishment. It hurts her to do this, to lie to henry, to tell him that she _tries_ and she _wants_ to be good. I make her want me more though, and the pain behind her eyes is something that she can't hide most of the time.

Regina hates what I do to her, and she needs me to hate it too, so she makes sure that I do—every time.

"For a hero's fault and a villain's fate." She says quieter this time, her hands gripping tighter to the inside of my thighs, nails digging in as she wraps her lips around my core and I'm crying out once more.

* * *

"I wish Rumple didn't hate fairies so much, he might help." Red said absently, and half joking, both of us brain storming about things we really had no idea about.

"Yeah, in exchange for your soul, I'm sure…" I think about talking to Regina about it, but the thought quickly dissipates, already knowing what kind of reaction that would illicit. "And Regina's too stubborn to send us back home. It would admit defeat."

There's silence at that, and it's heavy. I look up at her and see her staring at me.

"…She's still using magic? Henry said she stopped."

I quickly try to amend, because I can physically feel her tense, wanting to overreact to my words.

"It's not a lot. Just sometimes—…" Her sight narrows, and I feel a blush running up my neck. "I see her use it."

* * *

The faint purple glow coming from her hand illuminates the dark space between us, as I stay lying on her bed. It moves over me, painlessly fading all the light bites and shallow scratches, making better the reddened and bruised skin. The light of her magic makes her look pale and sick, creases and lines, dark circles under her eyes shining as her energy depletes from healing me. It takes a lot out of her, I can tell, this land is not meant to sustain magic, so her powers are nothing compared to our old world.

When Regina's hand moves over my torso, over the long red mark, I grab her wrist gently, breaking her focus and letting the glow fade around us.

"Leave that one."

She practically growls at the request, fingers wrapping in my hair and kissing me deeply, setting me on fire and causing us to start all over again.

* * *

"Jesus, Snow, does she use magic on you?" The waitress demands, shocked and disgusted, and my face is glowing in my embarrassment and shame.

"It's not like that. She just…" I pause and Red waits, but my eyes break contact and look away, knowing that nothing I say will make this any better. "Uses it to cover the marks she leaves." I finish quietly.

"Oh, how silly of me to be worried." There's a heavy sarcasm in her voice, and it makes me roll my eyes.

"It's complicated." I swig the last of my cold coffee, getting up from the stool and preceding to collect my things while she talks.

"Yeah, it's actually not. She's a walking victim complex, but you need to stop trying to save her, Snow." I don't respond, because that is the reason why I do a lot of things, but it's not why I find myself in Regina's bed. Then Red says something that makes me freeze right before I'm about to step towards the door. "The last time you tried, we all paid for it."

And I look at her then, the meaning in her words are not at all vague. Because I had defeated the Evil Queen, once, hadn't I? She was tied to a pole and arrows ready to tear holes into her heart. Everyone knew of that, because they were all there for her public execution.

My weakness exiled her instead, and it was because of that she was able to curse us.

"I didn't mean it like that." Red whispers, obviously seeing the hurt and anger on my face from her words. "I just mean—"

"That I should've killed her." I interrupt, because of course that's what she means, but of course she won't say it out loud. Not because she's like _them_, or because she's like me, with some sense of moral superiority. She'd never say it because she's killed before.

"You were right not to kill her, Snow." She says quietly. "But what you're doing now. That's not right, and you know it."

Still upset and suddenly very tired, I only nod once and walk out of the diner.

Sometimes we talk, and it never ends well.

* * *

"I did love you, once." She freezes at the words, as Regina's sitting up in bed and facing away from me. Her hands pause on the buttons she's redoing, and slowly they drop and I see the back of her head raise to stare out the window. I did love her, but I couldn't possibly any more, not after everything that's been done, all the betrayals that can never be made right. And her cruelty, it was there then as well, so I don't even know what made me think it was ever love. I don't want to know, so I don't think about it. I dwell on those memories as little as possible, because everything will be so much worse if I remember. If I ever feel that again for her.

"I never asked if you loved me." She replies with a crack in her voice that takes away from its cold indifferences.

At that, I have no choice but to focus on the memory, but just one, and it's not a good memory, it's one that was filled with betrayals, and secrets kept. And my father was murdered only days afterwards.

"You did…" I whisper, then felt the cold numbing feeling of her demeanor soak into my skin, making me roll off the bed in search of my cloths. She still won't look at me. "Once."


	4. Stupid Girl

AN: I'm done babying these next two chapters, because it was only making them worse. So sorry for the delay in updating. I'm just gunna close my eyes and throw it out there. This is a flashback chapter, which takes place pretty early on in the affair between Snow and Regina. Basically Regina is drunk, Snow is confused and there's a lot of insinuation and denial.

* * *

Stupid Girl

* * *

My thoughts kept me awake most nights, and this night was no exception, as I laid in my bed and stared at the high ceiling and distant walls of the huge space of my room. For so long now, long enough for me to remember nothing else, my thoughts went to Regina.

Even before the two of us had started this affair of sorts, I had her on my mind constantly. I tried to keep my distance from her, because I had assumed she hated me most of the time. It was something that grew more and more apparent the older I became. I annoyed her with my childishness and she looked down on my morality and judgments, so I did try to be better. Walk more like a lady through the halls instead of sloppy strides that would break out into a run. I tried to be proper during banquets and dances. I tried not to let my eyes stray along her form, but that was not an easy task, because her gowns were not ones that made such a thing easy.

And when she knew of my wandering eyes, she teased me with it. Every day, appropriate things turned into something filled with double meaning, when she would brush against me, when she would scold me with a click of her tongue. The first time she called me a 'good girl', dripping with lewd reference that struck my cheeks ablaze. I wanted nothing but to hear her tell me again, and again, until something else—something _more_ caused my wanting desire.

As soon as I thought to be driven mad by the little she would give, she always gave just a little more, just to keep me strung to her.

She enjoyed it too, I supposed, because why would one do such things if they didn't enjoy it? She enjoyed my attention on her, she enjoyed the way I would beg for her, and Regina enjoyed kissing me. She would never admit such a thing, of course, though I was proud of how well I was getting at seeing through the walls she put up. It was all I spent my time for, to be honest.

Regina knew as much, always noticing my daydreaming, and she would scold me for it. That click of her tongue as a single finger moved inside me. She would remind me, as I would moan against the sheets between my teeth, that what we did meant nothing. It seemed like a ridiculous sort of thing to believe, even if I would placate her in that sort of lie, because people did not do these things for nothing. I knew what I had learned, what men and women did in a marital bed, it was for love and family. Only those of the lowest degrees would do such a thing for nothing. And Regina was royalty, as was I. It was in our blood, so something like this, it would not be for nothing.

I hadn't understood what the words meant until one afternoon, not too long ago, I watched her, as she watched an older prince from another land take a particular interest in me during a royal visit. It was innocent enough, the way he smiled in a charming sort of way, just as all princes were, simply charming and literally nothing else. Regina wasn't charming though, she was fire and passion. Her mouth would scorch my skin, and her desire would tear me apart. And on that night, it did just that, particularly so, talking of the prince in a way that could only be born of jealousy;

_I could see it_

_When his eyes were on you_

_What he wanted to do to you_

Or maybe it was fear.

She spoke no more of it though, only kissed me roughly as she pinned me to my bed, stripping away the remnants of such an exhausting day, leaving nothing else but the feeling of her against my body.

She told me again, what we did meant nothing; that only a man could give me worth.

And for the first time, I understood that it really did mean nothing. To them. To princes and Kings and men. This would be nothing to them, because it wasn't about them. It was about us. These things we did, they weren't for nothing. No one gives someone their body, and the other their trust—for simply nothing. Regina could die for what she was doing with me, even I knew that, and if what we did together was known—…She wanted me more than she feared the risk.

This thing we did—this self-destructive act of passion and desperation—it wasn't for others to know about. I was a princess of virtue to literally everyone around me, always protected and kept away from the world, but to her, I wasn't some innocent thing to be protected. She saw something in me that other's didn't, something mature and dark, something that I saw in her as well. Something that bound us together.

My thoughts were only of her, and most of the time, it drove me crazy, except for the few times of calm, when we would lie in my bed together. I wished for that now, as I always did, feeling the sheets cold around me, but my skin was heated from my running mind. I thought about the first time we were together, how she had barged her way into my room, interrupting a fantasy to give me so much more than I could have imagined. And I fell so easy into her eyes and her voice, just as easily as she fell into me. I shifted on the mattress, considering the time of night and if I should wait for her to come here, or if I should take care of the ache myself.

My hands were fisting into the material of my nightgown when I heard a knock on my door from across the room, and I immediately tensed, and sat up quickly. Of course I had been thinking of Regina, because I was expecting her, but she never knocked. It would draw unnecessary attention to my room by someone in hearing distance. I knew it wasn't her, and so for a moment I said nothing, as the door opened, a guard entered, his head facing to the side and far away from where I was lying. It was entirely inappropriate, and there was fear along with concern about any tragedies that may have happened.

"Your highness, the Queen has sent for you." His voice gave nothing away, and only had a quiet tone of respect.

A blush set my face aflame, though he didn't see it.

"Is everything alright?" I asked, not knowing what else to say. Maybe she was injured or with my Father, or a hundred other reasons for her to call for me at such an hour. Reasons that didn't seem so obvious.

"She awaits in her bedchambers." Is all he responded with before he left the room with a swift turn of his shoulders, and shut the door silently behind him.

Quickly, I was out of bed, grabbing a light robe that was too warm even for the late hour, but it covered the sleeveless nightgown I wore. When I walked out of my room, the guard was waiting, as I knew he would be, and silently we made our way down the long hallway, his eyes forward the entire time. Guards were usually mindful of privacy, and rarely asked questions. They were mostly men of war, not gossip, yet it was still a dangerous thing for Regina to do.

When we reached the large wooden doors to the Queen's bedchambers, he opened it for me, and I looked at him curious.

"Will you be posted at this door all night?"

"Per the King's orders." Came his monotone response, the door still ajar but I didn't move.

"Yet you left this door to find mine." I did not have a strong tone when I said it, it was more confused and timid. Though the words sounded accusing, and I knew they did as soon as they were said. The guard looked at me then, no expression of a reaction crossing his face, but he looked directly in my eyes, and I gasped quietly before I was able to stop myself. The action was an accusation as well, so I turned my sight away, and quickly moved into Regina's room, the door shutting behind me.

My eyes immediately searched her bedroom to find her, but really her room would have been more considered a wing, the space granted to her was large. Yet my eyes caught on her pacing by her dresser, looking so trapped. She looked that way often, when she thought no one could see. Sometimes, I wondered what it was that even kept her here, if she was so unhappy, and rarely I wondered if it was me that tied her here. It was both an appealing and terrible thought.

There was a moment I scanned our surrounding in a cautious curiosity. I had been in her room before, a few times throughout the years, but it was always made clear that I wasn't very welcome in her personal space. Not like she was welcomed in mine, so when we would be together in the late hours, it would always be in my room.

I started walking towards her, watching her stop by her dresser, and after I got closer, I saw her drinking from a glass of wine, the bottle sitting next to where her cup was. My sight caught briefly on her bed, slightly unmade, but I tore it away, worried more about her than the state of her bed.

"Regina? What's wrong?" I called to her quietly, coming up behind her. She was in her night gown, one that was royal purple, long and silk, hugging every one of her curves tightly, and Regina's hair no longer tied up as it was during the day. Her back was to me still, facing the vanity, the mirror attached to it only showed me part of her body. One arm was wrapped around her stomach as the other was raising the wine to her lips once more.

I said her name again, and she finally turned towards me, and I was taken aback by it. There was a terrible upset on her face, her features cold and her eyes reminded me of something broken and shattered, blood shot and black.

"Were you crying?" Was my quick and rushed response, taking a step to her, with my hand raising to reach out for her, but Regina saw the move and took a quick step back, smiling at me in an oddly forced sort of way.

"Only for a moment, when I thought to be out of wine." She raised her glass with that lopsided smirk, tilting her head towards me as if in cheers. "I found more."

I started to chew on the inside of my cheeks out of nervousness, because she was making me terribly worried. There had never been a time before that I had seen her in such a way, so undone and distracted.

"It was dangerous for you to call me here." I started to say as she turned her body back to the vanity, filling a glass that was barely drank from, then taking a generous sip. My words cut out when I hear the edge of indictment in them, because it was not intended. "I don't mind," I tried for a small smile that she wasn't even looking at. "But if the guards were to talk—"

"Or if you were to talk less." Regina snapped at me unexpectantly, turning sharply towards me, glass forgotten on the dresser. "Secrets are only known when spoken of." She said such a thing, as if blaming me. Her voice was hard and angry in a quick second, and terribly accusing. I had no idea what I had done, how I had offended her in any way. She called for me, and I had been proper all week. At least, when she wanted me to be. Yet, Regina was watching me with fire in her eyes, and a hatred that I saw on her face sometimes when we were in bed together, when her mind would go elsewhere and it took a gentle touch or a soft moan to bring her back.

I assumed why I was here, and since the silence was growing heavy between us, I did what I thought she wanted. A nervous blush ran up my neck as l shrugged my robe off of my shoulders, letting the material fall and pool by my feet. My hands raised to the ties of my long and white night gown, and started pulling them apart. Before I barely had a single knot undone, I saw her close the space between us and cover my hands with one of hers. Regina's fingers were ice cold, her hand shaking slightly, but the touch was gentle and when I looked up to her face, the hate in her eyes were gone.

"Not tonight, dear." Her hand moved to brush the back of her knuckles along my cheek, and the cold caused me to shiver but I leaned into the touch regardless, wishing to warm her any way she would allow. "Fear my wrath tomorrow."

I was about to ask what she wished of me then, and in my naivety, I wondered if there was anything that I would deny her. Instead though, I lost my voice and nerve as she pulled away and back to her vanity, taking the glass of wine back in her hand. Another generous drink along with the eerie silence, started to make my skin itch.

"Regina…" My voice held little strength, but it seemed to grab her attention, turning her head in my direction with a different look on her face.

"What are you doing in my room?" Regina asked suddenly, looking me over slowly. "It's late."

My face twisted up in confusion, because she was the one who had sent for me. I almost told her such, only pausing to wonder if I had imagined the exchange with the guard, or would he possibly sent me on his own—I opened my mouth to question her, to wonder what kind of game she meant to play. Yet when I studied her face, as she studied mine, I saw a genuine confusion, and not only that—but there was a distance in her eyes, one that was far away and I had seen it often when she was with me, but never like this. I doubted she even knew where she was at the moment. I always caused that look—being with me caused it—but I knew that wasn't the case tonight. The air in the room around us felt odd, cold in a way that had nothing to do with temperature, and I crossed my arms against the chill that shouldn't be on my skin. Something felt different and wrong, even the smell surrounding us. It wasn't so much a musk, but maybe—

I cleared my throat and cleared my mind. Quickly shaking my head and focusing on Regina.

"…I…I couldn't sleep." I pushed my thoughts down until it all grew blurred around her form. The small smile I offered her wasn't returned, as she shook her head lifting the wine towards her mouth, only pausing halfway to speak.

"You'll find no rest here." She said, sounding more drunk by the passing moments. My hands intercepted her drink as Regina raised it once more, gently taking it out of her grasp. There was a glare shot my way, but besides that, no other protest was given.

"We could try." I placed the drink back on her vanity and took her cold hands in mine, walking backwards slowly. "Just lie with me, for a little while." There was no way I could just leave her alone, not in her state. There was worry she would drink too much, or hurt herself even. She was relenting slightly, walking with me and carrying a suspicious look on her face. "I won't stay long." I assured, reaching the edge of her bed. Her eyes darted over my shoulder and then darkened, making me quick to place a hand on her cheek, carefully leading her sight back to me.

"My Queen." After the compliment was whispered, she almost smiled and let me lean in to kiss her.

Despite feigned disinterest and emotional walls, she did enjoy kissing me, so that was what we did for a while. Until we were both lying on the bed side by side, our lips swollen and out of breath. She never allowed this before, this intimacy, one without dominance, and I knew that she would most likely never allow it again. So I enjoyed it for what it was, and didn't even consider taking it farther than this.

The need for breathing caused breaks, until Regina no longer moved back in to keep the taste of my mouth on her lips. She watched me, her fingers running through my hair, and I watched her eyes flicker with different emotion, deciphering each one and categorizing it in my head.

"You're so beautiful." She said suddenly, her voice sounded lethargic and soft. "You'll make a husband very happy one day, for looks alone."

"There is more to me." More than just a pretty princess that sought attention. I was smarter than they thought of me, I was brave, and I still climbed trees when they weren't watching.

A small frown settled on her lips at my words though.

"I dare you to find a man who cares." She replied as if so sure of that to be an impossible task, and I felt indignation rise up in me.

"And if I did?"

"I would kill him." She murmured absently, as if speaking of the weather, her eyes half open and hand still stroking the long curls of my hair absently. I watched her for a long moment, not sure how serious she was being.

"For finding him, or for proving you wrong?" I finally asked, gauging her reaction, but it was barely there, only a slight narrowing of brown eyes.

"Maybe just to have one less man in this world." And at that she smiled a sad kind of smile, and it suddenly made me want to change the subject.

"Perhaps I do not wish for a husband." My voice was coy and flirting, as I bit my lip and looked up to her through long lashes, but she didn't react to my baiting, only looking away from my face and to her hand, as it wrapped itself deeper into thick curls.

"Then you do not wish for a kingdom." I didn't answer her, my thoughts trying to keep up with her verbal games. She enjoyed her words, and they were always calculated, always controlled and powerful. Not very often did I catch her off guard, regardless of how much wine she had. "What do you wish for? To live with the animals and eat berries and grass?" She said it with a distasteful tone, but I saw nothing wrong with it.

"That sounds nice." I murmured absently, and watched her eyes roll and attention on me dwindle, so it was quickly amended to keep her mind on me. "…For a bit. I would visit you, though." With a smile crossing my face, I reached up to take her hand from my hair, and held it between our bodies, tracing over fingers and knuckles lightly. "I would ride a white horse through the dark forest to find you."

"Whatever for?" My eyes met hers and saw her watching me with a teasing sort of way about her.

"Because…we could leave." When her eyes narrowed, I looked back down at our joined hands, suddenly nervous when I finally finished quietly. "Together."

"Those are dangerous thoughts, dear." Her voice was nothing but ice, and I felt it like a shiver down my spine, yet she didn't pull away, and her body had not tensed too much, so I tried to gain courage and hoped she thought me better for it.

"They are what they are though, and I see no danger in them." I said with a childish tone that I meant to sound firm and confident. But even I heard the pout in it, but all it did was cause her to sigh.

"Where would we go, you stupid girl?" I took no offense to the soft spoken insult. She called me that often, and it had lost its edge once she took it away, only used as a pet name lately. In fact, all it managed was to set me more at ease, looking back to her eyes with a glint shining in mine.

"Anywhere." My voice held a hopeful daydream in it. "Another kingdom, another land…" I gripped her hand tighter, voice lowered in an excited whisper, my mind getting lost in the dangerous thoughts. "I've heard of lands so different, so _vast_, that you could be anything you want. No matter your status…" Regina arched her eyebrow in and an unreadable expression crossed her face. My excitement faded as I sounded somewhat defeated while I finished; "No matter if you're a woman or not."

"Where did you hear of such things?" Her voice wasn't as angry as I expected, it was almost curious instead.

"I listen when they think I don't. There is more to me than beauty." The infliction in my words faded, as I watched Regina's face, as if mesmerized with the way she was studying me—how there was a glint in her eye that looked almost impressed. And she was so sad and broken when I first got here, and now her face was cleared from things that troubled her, if only for the moment that she was looking back at me.

Let her focus on me, I liked it better that way.

It felt right, just her and I on this bed, and nothing around us. Nothing pending, no husbands, and no happiness that was more prevalent at this moment, than her eyes on me.

And it may have been childishness, and I may have been a stupid girl, but I fell in love with her in that moment.


	5. Something Soft

AN: Well, this chapter is a roller coaster of emotions. I spent a long time babying it, for better or worse, so I hope you guys like it. A little warning, we're jumping into a Snow/David sex scene right off the bat. :)

* * *

David grips my thighs as I straddle his waist, both of us naked in bed, and taking advantage of the rare opportunity that we have the apartment to ourselves. My open hands press against his chest and hold him down as my hips roll against his, pulling him in deeper inside me. A steady pressure is building in my stomach, with my eyes closed and my mind thinking of Regina. I don't even try not to anymore. I think of just a few days ago and how it was her and I in this bed, pinning me down and claiming me in this space she has no right to. She did anyway, reckless and brave with those dark eyes that only come out for me. They only want me. She gave no care as to my status or my husband, and how dangerous it was to come into my home. She wanted me more. I washed the sheets afterwards, wracked with guilt and fear, but I still smelled her when I laid down that night. And in the morning when David left for the day, I stayed in bed and came against my fingers, thinking of her. She should've just killed me before she left the apartment, and I would've preferred that.

I hear David moan under me, and I imagine its Regina's voice, imagining her in his place. Or even me, as she straddles my hips, grinding down, head thrown back in pleasure as she uses me. My hands grip tighter at his chest, and my hips move faster, angling just right with every thrust to cause the coiled heat in my lower stomach to shoot out through my body like electricity. Regina—_Regina_ coming undone above me—because of me—her fingers rubbing tight circles against her clit, and I follow suit of my fantasy, one hand moving between my legs as the other braces my weight against David.

"I'm close." I whisper, and despite me pressing down on him, he pushes up to a sitting position, feeling warm and strong arms wrap around my back, his hips moving fluidly with mine.

"Look at me." He orders softly, and I resist the urge to cringe, because my eyes have been closed since he first touched me tonight, and it was with purpose but not one he was supposed to notice. "Stay with me…" His urging is laced with heavy breathing and pain, and it breaks my heart apart. My eyes open and I kiss him gently.

"I'm here." I whisper, then he kisses me with more passion than I feel, and I try to keep hold of the feeling as his eyes look into mine, I try to shift my thoughts to him, all images of Regina replaced with his handsome and chiseled features. It doesn't work though, and I end up faking it, right before he finishes.

And he kisses me because he doesn't know. He never does.

* * *

I'm fine. Everything's perfectly okay, Emma and Henry come back home from a late dinner and I'm warm and safe in his arms, while he sleeps next to me. My prince Charming. Just as it should be. All the _okay's_ and _wonderful's_ just build up and up, until I'm choking on the perfection. On the predictability of it.

And I need to see her.

And it's sad and pathetic, because I needed him just a few hours earlier, needed him because she's not answering her phone, and now we're in _that_ stage of the cycle again. She does whatever it is she does to forget me for a little while, and so I do what I do so that I can bare it. But it doesn't work this time. It hurts more, it builds up faster, a frightening speed, and my mind drifts back to the my youth at the castle, and the time I wore that red dress—

No. This is what started it to begin with. Her coming into my home—my space—and forcing me to lose myself to my memories of her. Those few good one's that hit me harder than every bad memory combined, and it's absolutely not fair. I'm better not thinking of it at all. I'm better not thinking of her, and just to be done altogether. The missed calls I already left on her phone is embarrassing enough, so I won't degrade myself any more than I already have. I still have a semblance of my pride, I suppose.

With a slight eye roll, I'm shifting out of David's arms and pulling myself out of bed to get dressed. I throw on a pair of thin jogging pants and a button up blouse. It's the middle of the night, but I don't care. I need to see her.

I decide to walk, because I hope it clears my head, but all it does is leave me with a chill by the time I make it to her back door. Regina leaves it unlocked now, no matter the time of day, because she'll never do something as weak as give me a key, but she made some off handed comment one time, how there's no need to be so polite, because not many people were strong enough to go against the former Queen, and those who were, wouldn't be stopped by a door. There's no hesitation when I walk into the entrance of her kitchen, already spotting lights on inside.

Once I finally spot her, it's in her living room. Every cabinet and drawer of every shelf is throw open, some thrown on the ground. My eyes are wide as they scan the destruction of just this room, papers skewed along the floor, some in the fireplace along with other charred objects that I can't make out. Every shelf and mantle surface is empty, and her back is to me, facing the weak flame of the fire. She's wearing a pant suit that I'm she hasn't bothered changing out of, the day's wear causing the outfit to look slightly disheveled.

"What the hell happened here?" I ask, a panic lining my voice as I take a few steps toward her, but she doesn't turn towards me, or really react in any way.

"I lost something." Is all that's given as a response, but at least it sounds annoyed and slightly angry, taking on it's signature tone towards me. All snippy and bothered by my existence, and I gently roll my eyes.

"What, your mind?"

"For quite some time now." Regina replies to the banter, and I notice she's holding something, but I can't see what it is.

"What are you looking for?" I ask quietly, wondering if her quip means that she's calm and sane, and really was just tearing apart her house for the sake of spring cleaning. There's no such luck of that, because once that question hits her ears, she tosses what was in her hand into the fire, none too gently, and I flinch slightly when I hear glass breaking.

"Not you." She turns quickly towards me, a smile on her face and a darkness over her features. I realize she's been drinking, and I regret coming over here immediately. Her drinking is my least favorite part of the times when we're together, and it happens more often than not, ever since the curse broke. It's been taking its toll on her, just like it has with everyone, and just like everyone, we all hide it in our own ways. When Regina's drinking though, she's unpredictable, she's distant, and maybe it's selfish to want her full attention on me, but sometimes it's better that way. "Yet here we are, always finding each other, aren't we?" Regina goes on to say, with a sarcastic tone, stalking over to me.

There's a darkness she has that I don't, one that has nothing to do with titles and tyranny. It's enticing, that darkness that surrounds her, like a shadow whispering pleasure and sin, and I fall into it every time, but the cost is high. She's at her worst like this.

Once she's in front of me, Regina raises a hand to grip the back of my neck, pulling me into her for a hard kiss. I keep up with her pace through my desperation, because even drunk, even _this_ is enough to make me fall apart at the seams. I just need her so badly. When our mouths break away, I'm already begging and she's already shushing me, her finger on my lips to silence me.

"Tell me why you're here." She always likes it when I talk, and if I don't, she will. The way she is tonight, I don't think I'll like anything she has to say.

"I was thinking about you." My head dips forward to catch her lips again, but Regina's teeth nip at them in punishment, her hands gripping firmly at my waist and holding me against her, guiding me, and controlling me, as I sway slightly with her.

"And what were you thinking?" Her tone would almost be playful, if it didn't sound so cruel. I rest my forehead against hers, and I ignore the smell of alcohol on her breath.

"I was thinking about you…on top of me," I whisper, watching her closed eyes. "Using me…" With a shift of my head, I catch her ear against my lips, placing a small kiss there, because I can't resist. "Riding my fingers..." A sharp hiss breaks through her teeth as her fingertips tighten and roll against the hip bones, in a gentle pulsing rhythm. I can't help but smile a little at her reaction to me. I can't help but push a little more, my tongue snaking out to trace the shell of her ear; "I love watching you come."

Regina's kissing me again at that, and my hands move up her arms and over her shoulders, arching to meld our bodies together.

"Did you think about that?" She asks, moments later when she breaks away to breath, and my body is on fire for her. I don't care about these games tonight. "Did you think about me coming, while you were fucking _him_?" She counters with a dangerous calm to her voice, and an absolute certainty that makes me wonder for a moment if she is taking to mirror watching again. And something about my face must show what I'm thinking, because she scoffs, and pulls back from me a little more. "I always know when you've just been with him. Something about the desperation—it feels…" Her hand settles between my thighs quite suddenly, her palm pushing into me and causing my hips to jerk against the movement, a jolt of pleasure throbbing its way through my body. "Different." Regina finishes, but I don't care, because she's right—I am desperate for her, just to give me a little chaotic stability, so I can feel something again—anything again. I lean in to kiss her as a confirmation, and for a moment, I believe she's going to kiss me back, but her head shifts away before our lips touch.

"I suppose you simply want the taste of him out of your mouth." A quiet sigh of frustration constricts on my lungs as she pulls her hand away. "Of all people, I can hardly blame you for that." Regina continues, speaking almost absently, lifting her fingers to the buttons on my blouse, slowly starting to undo them, when her words finally catch on my brain.

"What…" I whisper as my neck twists, pulling back from her. "What's that supposed to mean?" My whisper turns into a real question, one that she doesn't answer, she just moves with me, and continues her work on the buttons, looking down at her hands.

"So the princess didn't get what she wanted from her prince—turned out it isn't all it was said to be." My body stills, looking at her with an increasingly somber expression. I was right to think that I wouldn't like anything she has to say tonight. "You really should have known better, you should never have come here, offering me his sloppy seconds." My blouse is open now, and her movements are meticulous, and her face distracted.

"Regina." My voice is stern enough that it should bring her unfocused glazed stare back with me, but it doesn't. She doesn't even hear it, her nails and fingertips tracing over my collar bone, down the swell of my breasts and over the muscles of my abdomen. I don't know what her fingers are tracing, maybe old marks from years ago, or a knife's path. Whatever it is, she's focused on only that.

She's at her worse like this, unhinged and talking of the darkest parts of our past, because that's the only place her mind is at. It's not here, where she has control and power over herself, where she has Henry and people who care about her. And I know it's the magic doing it, I know well enough to see what dark magic does to a person, how it distorts things, it makes you see the worst in everything. She would be better without it, to gain some footing in her thoughts, but as it stands, I can practically feel the dark magic coming off of her skin. I don't know what she was doing before I came here, but she's saturated in it.

"Is it your own revenge on me, Snow White?" Regina asks, voice dark and thickened with an accent of our old land. I see her physically lose herself in a memory that I know she shouldn't be in. The urge to run out of this house as fast as I can is growing. My lack of reaction—my continuing to study her, only makes her angry, and she grabs my face with one hand, fingers pushing into my cheeks, gripping the underside of my chin. "All those nights I would call for you, after your father would have his way…" Red fills both of our sights and nausea fills my stomach, as my hand grips her wrists roughly the second she says it. "Just for something soft." Her tone is so dismissive and degrading, that I go cold all over.

"Go to hell."

We didn't talk about my father, and there were good reasons for it. So I purposely shove all those reasons, and the trauma attached to it, back into the boxes where they belong. Our memories of him were different, and that was something easy enough to admit, something I had known for quite a long time. And for her to bring him up like _this_, in such a way, after never speaking of him since his funeral, it makes me feel angry and dirty, cheap in a way that she's never made me feel before, and if that's all she equates it to—what we had—than she can burn for her insanity for all I care. I'll leave and go shower for three days. I'll leave, and we'll be done. Finally.

But still I don't push her away, and the anger fades from her face as it does mine. Regina's grip softens to cup my cheek, but still I don't let go of her wrist.

"Would you have killed him if I asked?"

"Don't." I whisper, closing my eyes tight when I feel them water. I know she's talking about my father. I know exactly what she's talking about.

"Not even for the promise of my body as a reward?" Her voice grows in volume and bitterness, I don't react as my brain tries desperately to compartmentalize all she was giving me, lock it away in boxes and keep it down where it belongs. My silence makes her angry though, because she turns her nails into the back of my neck sharply, and instincts tighten my hand on her. Finally, I feel stable enough to look at her again, opening my eyes. And the _hate_ that I see on her face. "That was all you wanted, was to own me—to claim my heart and mind and body."

"That's not true." I try to defend with a voice that sounds so young to my own ears, because I'm letting her pull me in again, so easily, letting her drag me down with her every time, down into this frustrating chaos, just for the sake of her broken words.

"I won't give you the satisfaction." Regina yells over my words, until suddenly her other hand pushes fingers roughly into her temples, cringing at an apparent pain in her head. I move just slightly, running my hand down her arm, to try to try to give her some comfort that she can never find with me, because she's jerking away violently once she sees the movement, breaking her contact with me completely with a few shaky steps backwards. "It's _your_ fault he's dead." She snaps angry and loud, and for a moment I think she's talking about my father, and a wounded anger starts to rise in me, because I know my fault in this, but I won't claim that. I refuse. Though, my hurt starts to dwindle when I see the tears filling her eyes, and the pain that's so clear on her face.

She's talking about Daniel.

"Regina…" I whisper, trying to reach out to her with the soft tone of her name, trying to break through the distance between her mind and the present. But she reminds me which part of herself I'm dealing with as her hand grabs my throat and pushes me back, and back, until I'm pinned to the wall behind me, darkness shrouding her face like a shadow in this room with us. The sudden act of violence has magic behind it, and fear grips me for a moment because as strong as I am, I don't know if I can break her bind on me.

"I'll kill you for it." She all but screams at me. "For all your betrayals, for all the lives destroyed because of _you_—" I feel her fingers tighten, and for a moment I think she's going to finally do it, and all I can muster is a prayer that they don't kill her for it. But then the grip loosens and I can breathe a little more. "You _stupid_ girl…" The strength in her tone is fading fast and her eyes follow the trail of a tear falling down my face and settling on her hand at my neck.

"My Queen…" I whisper, her grip not even tight enough to make the words strained, and I raise my hand to trace the knuckles of hers.

"Shut up." Regina snaps with a voice that sounds like she's drowning. Wet along with the mist covering her eyes.

"It's okay…" The hand resting on hers tightens and gently pulls it away from my neck slowly. "Please, just look at me." My voice is calm and collected now, and I see her cringe because she hates it when I talk to her like this. It's the only thing I know how to do though, when she gets like this. The calmer I get, the angrier she gets, but it's an anger I know how to deal with. The anger that comes from dark magic, and the insanity inside the darkest parts of her mind—I dare not tread there.

Let her only be angry at me. It's better that way.

"You'll kill me." I feel the tension in her arm tighten, and I think for a moment that her fingers will go back around my throat.

"I won't."

Regina looks down at our entwined hands, traces her thumb over the knuckles, and I want to watch the intimate act, but I don't because it rings hollow for the situation.

"You do, that's all you do." She whispers, drunk and broken and I feel more tears swell in my eyes. Then her arm drops completely, defeated and exhausted. "That's why you're here."

It's about all I can take, so I take some steps towards her, cupping her cheek with the hand that stopped her from strangling me just moments ago, and I pull her face close to kiss her firmly on her lips.

"I'm yours." The whisper is placed on her lips, and my arms are wrapping around her neck, as I feel her hands timidly encircle my waist. "I'm here, because I'm yours."

Regina's body starts shaking and she buries her head into my neck, so I keep her close, hold her tighter, and hear the quiet words against my skin

"I hate you…"

I'm shushing her, telling her that it's okay, gently begging; "Stay with me."

* * *

Eventually we make it to her bed, I'm focused on keeping her away from the broken mess of the living room, and she follows me up the stairs pretty easily, even though she's eerily quiet, and when she does speak, it's not anything that makes much sense. I get her under the covers fully clothed, because she's waving me off when I even try to take her shoes off, mumbling something about her not being an infant. I just roll my eyes lightly as I watch her struggle with her sheets.

"I don't condone sleepovers." Regina says quietly, when she sees me lie down on the bed next to her, half way on my side so that I can be facing her. Her voice sounds so tired, and I know she hasn't been getting much sleep since the curse broke. None of us have.

"I won't stay long."

There's a few long moments when we just watch each other in silence, until her bloodshot eyes narrow and she shakes her head.

"We're not meant to be together." It's said as if a new revelation, but fate has told me this since I was ten years old. "All we do is destroy each other." She finishes, and then again, I think that maybe that was what fate planned all along. We're better apart, but maybe we're not meant to be better, because I'm not strong enough to stop, and neither is she. We're just two destroyed people that are weak for each other. So I give her no denial, or conformation, I only watch her as she watches me, the blinks of her glossed over and distant eyes get heavier.

She won't remember this in the morning, or at least she'll pretend that she doesn't. It's hard to tell sometimes, because she says things to me, certain comments, and it makes me wonder what it is she sees when she remembers how we were.

Memories aren't very clear for her.

After the still settles between us, she whispers;

"You lied to me."

I don't trust my voice to ask what she means, not while her words hold such history to it.

"You said you didn't love me." Regina finishes, just as I feel tears fall down my face. I didn't even realize that they were there, but she could see them. She could see through me better than I could, apparently. I close my eyes tightly as she closes hers gently, and focus on anything else besides this feeling—this terrible ache of an old love for her. It's tearing at my insides, breaking me apart. When I finally look back at her, she's already asleep. And it's such a deceitful beauty, as peaceful and calmed that she looks as she lies there. Compared to the hurt and broken self she was when I came here tonight. Now, there's no hate on her face, and she was vulnerable tonight, more so than she had been in a long time—it has been _years _since I have seen her walls down so completely, and it feels like she cut me open, like everything was spilling out and pouring in at the same time.

I remember now, what it is that made me fall in love with her. I feel it surfacing just like it never left. Maybe it never did leave.

I roll onto my back, covering my wet face with my hands. I'm still in love with her, and this will not end well.


	6. A Love for Destruction

AN: This chapter is very short, and basically an in between point A and point B. So I apologize for that, but this is to insinuate when and why Snow decides to go to the Enchanted Forest with David.

* * *

When I eventually leave Regina's mansion, the night much later than before, I take my time walking, getting lost in my own thoughts. It seems that I have found myself in love with my destruction, just as I was when I was a simple child born of a king. The entire kingdom paid last time, and I have no guarentee that it wont happen again. It will spread like a disease, like it always does. I love her, but she doesn't love me. Just as before.

When I get home it's close to dawn, and I have worked my stomach up in knots with my thoughts, still lost in them as I open the front door to the apartment. Emma is awake, reading in the living room. I freeze in the doorway when I see her, surprised and feeling my knotted stomach sink. She, on the other hand, doesn't look very surprised to see me, only gently putting her book down on her lap and looking at me with tired eyes and just a shadow of a smile. It makes dread settle in me, but I shake myself out of it, finally letting go of the door handle to come past the threshold and shutting it silently behind me.

"Hey." She says simply, so I distract myself by hanging my coat up.

"Emma, what are you doing up?" My voice purposely doesn't take an authoritative or accusing tone, just simple, casual, trying not to shake as I feel my face grow warm.

"I was gunna ask you the same thing." I pause facing the coat rack for a split second before turning to face her, with a light smile.

"I was just out for a walk, I couldn't sleep." It's convincing, I suppose, how easily I can say the words now, even though I can still smell Regina all over my cloths. I make my way to the kitchen to grab a water, and her eyes follow my every movement.

"You've been having a lot of nights like that." Emma stays on the couch, her voice still quiet, but I can hear her. "You never used to."

"The curse breaking, it's made things…" I pause before going into the fridge for a bottle of water. "Confusing." With a sigh, I grab a drink and turn back around to face the couch. Emma's standing now, looking tired and awake all at the same time.

"Does walking help?" Something about her tone, makes me know that she knows. Her unwavering expression that hinted towards anger and pain, staring me down, and we stay that way for a long time. She knows.

"No." It comes out as a sigh, and I place the unopened water bottle on the counter and leave the living room without another word, going back into the bedroom and slipping into bed with my sleeping husband.

* * *

The next morning Regina comes into the diner looking like hell. Her outfit is flawless, make up perfect, but her eyes are bloodshot and narrowed to the light of the day. It's not very noticeable, but I see it like a slap in the face, and it's pretty obvious she's hung over, probably using magic to make herself look so presentable.

I'm sitting with David at one of the back booths, mostly lost in my own self-loathing and contemplation, but when she walks in the door my body goes on full alert, as if the chime on the diner door woke me up. My seat makes me face her as she walks in, not even looking around to see me, and I see my husband notice my look, and he knows who just walked up to the counter, without even turning around.

Granny gives her a suspicious glower, but goes to make the former mayor's daily regular all the same, actually sparring her usual sarcastic and snippy comments. I can't stop staring at her, even though I feel David's eyes on me, even though she's not looking back, even as obvious as I'm making it. I can't stop.

While Granny makes her coffee, and she taps her well-manicured nails absently on the counter tops, Regina turns to finally meet my eyes. Her fingers stop tapping, then continue, a slower and shorter rhythm, as her eyes grow dark on me. I feel the air start to get thinner around me as I look down slightly to see her tapping fingers, now only her first two fingers, tapping slow and purposely. Quickly I look back at her face and a smirk almost appears until David takes my hand from across the table, and it makes me almost jump from the sudden movement. My head snaps to him to see his annoyed sideways glance towards Regina.

"Ignore her. She's just trying to rile you." David tells me, with a comforting squeeze of my hand. I shoot an awkward smile towards him, because he's not wrong. She is trying to rile me.

I do glance back to see her dark eyes turned red, and her tapping fingers turned into a fist. In that moment though, Granny is handing her the coffee and Regina is all but storming out of the diner.

Not a minute later though, I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, and I don't know whether to roll my eyes or be excited when I see her name on the caller ID. Regardless, I'm excusing myself from the table, telling David it's one of the fairies calling me. When I make my way towards the back of the diner, a secluded corner by the bathrooms, I answer with a timid 'hello'.

"I should kill him, you know." Is the only greeting I get, cold and almost childish, and I do roll my eyes at that. "For ever laying his hands on you." I hear the distant sound of the street in the background of the call, and I figure she must be sitting in her car.

"You can't kill David." My tone tries not to be patronizing, but I don't know if I pull it off well.

"No dear, I can't kill _you_…" A warmth starts to fill in me, as if she just gave me some great compliment. And perhaps she did, perhaps a twisted one, but from Regina I expect nothing less. "I have no problem killing him."

"You looked hung over when you came in for your coffee." I try to change the subject, and then I wonder why she called at all, why we're having idle chit chat. Why am I doing this to myself?

"Sometimes, I think about you." Her voice is more of a sigh, the tone low and rough and it sets me on fire, a pressure building in my lower stomach. "…and then I try to drink myself to death."

I sigh at the pain in her voice, and I wonder why she does this to herself.

"What do you remember of last night?" A hesitance, a fear maybe, settles in me. It's selfish that I wish she doesn't remember me coming over, she doesn't remember that I'm in love with her. There's always the fear that she'll use it against me. She almost did once before, and I would have let her. There's a serious danger when it comes to being in love with Regina.

"Practically nothing." She mumbles, and I almost breath out in relief. "It was a welcomed miracle." Then her voice clears, and her tone grows strong and suggestive once more. "Come over tonight. It's been long enough, hasn't it?"

My eyes shut tight at that for a moment.

"It's barely been just a few days." I whisper, knowing that this is spiraling more and more out of control

"Long enough." Regina leaves no room for argument. "I may not be able to kill you, but I know you would die without me." At that, the call is disconnected and I try to gather my breath, as if I was just hit in the gut. I do die without her, and Regina dies with me.

It's killing her, taking so much out of her, the hate and anger, the memories I bring forth from our damaging past. I wasn't the only one in love with their destruction, apparently. Hers wears my face, but it's not me.

When I put my phone back in my pocket, I look over to see David staring into his coffee cup. It will spread like a disease, like it always does. She'll hurt Henry, and I'll hurt Emma, and everyone will suffer once more. I'm reminded once more than love is only strength when it's mutual. Soon, very soon, I'll have to choose the strength of my family, over the weakness she brings.


	7. A Coward's Courage

AN: I have this thing, where I love the idea of Regina protecting Snow, and vice versa, so the next two chapters have a bit of that, and also painful romantic trash in this one, because I'm all about suffering lol. Thank you all so much for all the wonderful reviews and feedback. I love you guys for following my story for so long, and being so patient with me!

* * *

We had spent most of the day out in the garden, through the vast acres, every flower imaginable lining all the paths. After some time, Regina and I settled in a clearing that was lined by different fruit trees, a blanket spread out on the grass that had some foods and wine that was barely touched. Regina let me pick apples from her tree though, because she knew how they were my favorite. It was one of the few things that she and I had in common, but not the only thing, because as I placed the basket full of gorgeous fruit on our blanket, I felt her eyes on me, watching my every move. I smirked to myself, and smirked at her as I turned around.

"Blue compliments you well, dear." She said with a mischievous voice, as she pushed off of the tree she was leaning on, and making reference to my light blue dress. Her approval made me blush slightly, the flush running down my neck and drawing her eyes to the swell of my cleavage, as she walked towards me. It was not the most comfortable or appropriate gown for an outing, but my options as a princess didn't leave many choices. I wished I had the freedom she had, to wear casual and simple silk gowns when father was away, or riding pants and comfortable blouses on occasion, just as she was wearing this evening. They would never say a word to her, not like they do when scolding me, and I wished I could ride off to the woods whenever and wherever I pleased, not answering to anyone. Though, there were some freedoms neither one of us possessed.

"It's not your favorite color on me." My statement had a playful tone to it, which caused Regina to raise a single eyebrow.

"Oh?"

"You like red, I can tell."

She hummed to herself at that, making slow but sure steps towards me, and I felt the blush on my cheeks grow hotter.

"Observant girl. And what else can you tell?" Regina was in front of me then, scanning my face obviously, lingering on my lips even more so.

"That you want to kiss me." My smirk grew to a smile, with her eyes on me, ones that were growing softer by the moment. A single finger rose to trace my jaw line, my body shivering in response as she whispered;

"Indeed."

Just as she leaned in to capture my lips, I pulled my head back.

"But you can't." A laugh almost broke from my lungs at the confusion she let slip on her face.

"Since when?" Regina practically huffed, and that did make me chuckle slightly as I turned away from her.

"It's too dangerous, out in the open like this." I said over my shoulder, a smile still on my face as I strolled a little farther down the row of trees. I reached down to brush my fingers against some snow bells growing in the garden, and I jolted when Regina pushed the length of her body against my back, hands curling suggestively around my upper thighs and pulling my backside against her. A gasp came out of my mouth as I stood straight, while angry hushed words came out of her and hit the shell of my ear.

"Do you think the birds will sing a song of it?" She mocked, clearly put off that I would deny her, but I was only thinking of her.

"Someone might see." I whispered, and she turned me around in her arms. Whatever anger was in her voice didn't show on her face, her features softened and I felt myself lost in them as always.

"No one will, I'll make sure of it." Regina's hands grew bolder on my sides, moving up the curve of my corset.

"If someone does, will you fight gallantly to protect my honor?" The playful tone back in my voice and a smile graced her lips because of it. Today had been a good day, this whole week in fact, full of softened features and playful tones. Teasing whispers and once I even heard Regina laugh, and it sounded light and almost real. She always acted more at ease the times father was away.

"What honor do you have left dear? Where does it hide?" She asked with a cock of her head. "Here?" Both of her hands raised to move her nails along my neck, feather light and teasing, making me giggle like a child and squirm away from her. Regina reached out though and grabbed my wrist, pulling me back against her, a smile on her face. Once I felt arms circle around my waist, I tensed, so she whispered my name, and I felt my heart swell at the sound.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" I asked suddenly and it caused her to pause and look in my eyes, and I know she was searching, trying to figure my angle at such a question.

I had none though. I simply was too much of a coward to ask if she loved me.

"You are." She said finally, but it was a flippant answer, a placating one, and her eyes were on my lips once more. "You know you are."

Then she kissed me, and I let her, so utterly foolish for just the simplest signs of affection given to me from her. Only her. For all my life, I swore it to be true.

Ideas of romance turned quickly to thoughts of lust though, as she deepened the kiss, my mouth opening for her, and spurring her on with a whimper from me and a growl from the Queen. Regina wrapped her hand along the back of my neck, fingers teasing their way into my long and thick hair, as she pushed her body against mine, leading my back to hit softly against a nearby tree. I arched my back off of it, bringing our bodies closer and moaning wantonly as her teeth pulled at my bottom lip.

"You make me crazy." Regina hissed, words born of a particular frustration that caused a smirk to line my lips, as I pulled back from her to see the dark lust in her eyes.

"How?" My hands moved along her hips, feeling the heat of her skin through the silk material of her shirt, feeling her breathing under my fingertips. It made me light headed. "Do you think of me often?"

Regina grabbed my wrists, quickly pinning them against the rough bark at either of my sides, clicking her tongue and shaking her head, causing me to bite my lip.

"I think often of how frustrating you are." She dipped her head down, kissing lightly at my jaw, moving her lips against my ear. "I think often of how much I wish you were out of my life." She whispered softly, and those words—those felt like a confession of love. A twisted one, but from Regina I expected nothing less. Still, the pain and passion, the pull between us were all in her words, and it sounded like the way she looked at me. It sounded like the way I looked back.

"Tell me to leave, and I will." My whispered words, caused her to pull back and look me in the eye, pausing for a moment before responding.

"If I can't leave, neither can you."

The words settled heavy between us for a long moment.

"One day…" I swallowed hard, trying to gain a coward's courage. "We'll both leave—"

She shushed me, her eyes closing as if she was in pain, and I felt the pain in kind. There were some freedoms neither one of us possessed. One hand pulled out of her light grasp on my wrist, as it raised and cupped her cheek, thumb brushing the skin a bit, so that her sight was on me once more.

"Kiss me."

Regina shot forward, capturing my lips again, and diving back into this familiar act between us. She enjoyed kissing me, it was distracting and made us feel something different than what we felt any moment we were doing anything else. Soon enough, lips were back on my neck, nipping and sucking gently, causing soft and needy moans from my throat. My eyes were closed against the sensation, and through my closed eyelids, I felt the light of the lowered sun disappear, as if a shadow covered us. My eyebrows started to knit together at the same time as Regina's fingers went to the front ties of my corset.

"Your majesty." A voice spoke in front of me, making my eyes shoot open, and the sound of the guard's words felt booming and loud, sounded like a crack of a whip, felt like a slap across my face.

A cold replaced the heat that Regina's lips left, as she jerked away from me faster than my brain could process, and I stood frozen against the tree, focusing on the sight of a guard standing not 20 feet away from us, his head down slightly, and sight on the grass in front of his feet.

How could we have been so careless, so stupid? How did neither one of us hear his approach? I was foolish, I should have been stronger, deterred her advances, because I knew this was dangerous. I tried to tell her.

Regina's eyes caught mine for a brief second, something I couldn't decipher flashing across them, before turning toward the guard, keeping me blocked from his view as much as possible. Still, I knew my face was as red as the lipstick stains on my neck and chest, speared and crimson, and her mouth was parted and swollen. There was no denying, no rebuttal we could give. A feeling of dread and terror swelled in me, freezing me in place, and I only prayed to God that they didn't kill her for my sin.

"I said specifically not to be disturbed this evening." There was a cold in her voice she never even used on me, a darkness and authority I had no idea she possessed. A chill ran down my spine at the sound. She stood up straighter though, her hand slowly reaching behind her and held out and open until I inched closer and took her hand in mine, her shoulders and stance felt tall as a mountain, guarding me. She allowed herself to be used as a shield for me, and I felt safe, even if I knew better. I believed what she told me one night, that no one would harm me. No one but her. So my fingers squeezed a little tighter, because I could survive the pain Regina gave me, but I could not survive without Regina.

"The King requests your presence, your highness." Came the respectfully quiet, yet calm response, and at that, her hand squeezed mine, so I focused on the grass and wished to be anyone else at the moment. Anyone else with her. "He was insistent."

He was back early from his week-long outing. I was not naïve, I knew—

"Well, if he was _insistent_, then of course." The cold tone filled with anger, and a quick jerk of her head had him bowing and marching off. Her hand pulled out of mine, and it felt as if she was pulling the heart out of my chest.

Regina turned towards me, her hardened features softened slightly, but her tone was still cold.

"Go back to the castle, and straight to your chambers."

"Regina—" I started, and she shot me a warning with her look.

"Do not argue."

"Will he tell?" My question caused her to pause, considering me, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw her hand close into a fist again.

"No." Was the sure and simple answer, her sudden confidence surprising me. "He's _my_ guard, not the King's."

I didn't know what she meant by such a statement, but Regina's patience for my ignorance ran thin.

"Go."

_Come with me_

I almost said, the words wanted so badly to break out of my chest where they stayed, but she turned quickly on her heels and made her way toward the main entrance to the castle, so I made mine toward the kitchen entrance, the closest towards my room. Avoiding any staff I could, I finally made it back up to my chambers, where I stayed the rest of the day.

Thinking about kingdoms and my role in them, thinking about other lands, and how things could be different. Things could be better. Anything other than _this_, and I'd be able to breath again.


	8. Anything Besides This

AN: not much of an update, but it's something lol...This takes place right after chapter 12 of Mine Alone to Hate. After the alleyway confrontation between snow/david/regina.

* * *

I was angry at myself for being so cold with her in the alleyway, but I had to—for David's sake—if I were to give her just the slightest sign of weakness, she would have taken it as permission to kill him. As it stood, I already gave up all my strength for her, the way I practically begged for her to come with me. To run away to another land, away from this prison for a prison trade, and of course it wouldn't be forever, but it would be enough time—…and she said no—she mocked me and was cruel and all her walls were up.

Just like the first time I asked her to run away with me.

It made me feel foolish and young, a child that never learned from her mistakes, and it proves all the more why I have to leave without her.

And it made me feel angry.

She set my blood to boil with her foolishness in kind, that immature jealousy that she never hid well. We had one rule, and she broke it. We didn't tell others what we did together, it wasn't for other's to know about, and she told him with a sick kind of glee, because she's always hated him—well maybe not _him_, but the idea of him. The idea of me ever needing him over her. The idea of happiness and husbands and family, and all those things she doesn't think I deserve. And she'll hate me forever for choosing him over her again, just as she always does, just as it's always meant to be. We repeated the cycle like it was yesterday, she gets under my skin and made me fall in love, and then I run away, or she shuts me out, or one of us dies.

We're not the same people we were though. This pain is lingering and spreading like a disease, to people who don't deserve it. To Emma, to David, to Henry…It has to end because I won't make her better, not while it's so much easier to make me worse. My role in this has never been to save her, no matter how many times I try and want to, and God—I want _her_.

It'll be better though, this will be better. Anything besides _this_, and I'll be able to breathe again.

The ride back from the alleyway is silent, and when we get to our apartment, I'm quick on David's heels, because I know that look on his face, and what that determination means. So, once we passed the threshold of our home, I'm calling his name and he's ignoring me, going straight into the closet to grab his sword.

"She'll kill you." I try to reason, but he barely has it in his hand before he's making his way to the front door again. "David, don't—"

"You can't talk me out of this."

He keeps walking as he talks with a firmly set jaw, ignoring me completely and walking past me. He's focused, and not even sparing me a glance, just shrugging out of my firm grip that I use to grab at his arm. Until I'm in front of him, pushing with two hands against his chest, just hard enough to cause him to stumble back from the closed front door, and the surprise is evident on his face.

"I won't let you hurt her." My voice quiet, and almost soft, but there is a very hard seriousness in my eyes. His surprise starts to turn into something dark, because no matter how I try rationalize it, the reason why I won't let him leave, has nothing to do with protecting him. There was truth in what Regina said to David in the alleyway, and it's starting to sink in for both of us.

"_She'll never forgive you if you did…_

"_But if I killed you? I doubt even that would make her want me less._

His grip on the sword tightened, causing my eyes to glance down at the action.

"…Do you think you could stop me?" His words weren't strong. They were scared, and unsure, full of anger and confusion, making his threatening words fall hollow on my ears.

"We're leaving." I whisper, pleading with my eyes, because I can stop him. There's not a single ounce of me that wants to though. "None of this matters, because we're leaving. We're going to rebuild the kingdom." My body inches towards him once the hold on his weapon lowers, I reach out to run my hand down his forearm, surprised to feel how taught the muscles in his arm is, tightened to the point of shaking. "David, let go of your sword." I plead, my tone low, and for a moment I don't believe he's going to do it. After a moment the sound of metal clangs against hard wood though, sword falling at our feet. I want to hug him but with the look on his face, I don't think it would be welcomed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He finally asks, the anger in him rising again. Anxiety pulls at my insides, not wanting to talk about this. Anything but having to lay out all my sins to the one person who's always had me on the highest of pedestals.

"I was ashamed." My voice cracked, so I looked down and took a few deep breaths. "I didn't think it was ever something that would happen again…"

"How long?"

Another moment is taken for my unsteady breathing.

"When I was…" I shake my head, not even knowing what I should tell him, what would be the easiest way to do this without him storming back out the door with a sword aimed at Regina's neck. "Before my father died—"

"Before she _killed_ your father." He snaps and I look up at him at that. My mouth opens to argue, but I'm not sure what I would even be arguing. I was the one who had told him that exact same thing when newly married to him.

"It was brief." Is my response instead, shaking my head as if to dismiss it. "It stopped when I left the castle—"

He laughs, and it sounds so bitter and frustrated, just like his face as he runs a hand through his hair. David turns away from me, and everything feels so tense and awful.

"When she _banished_ you with a bounty on your head—damn it, Snow…" He looks at me again, sounding like he's talking more to himself. "I _knew_…I knew she had a pull on you, but this is crazy…" I really expected all of this. It was mirrored with almost every conversation with Red, except much more anger and pain, with how he looks at me. "It's sick." He finishes, and a silence settles between us.

He's waiting for me to deny it, and honestly, I'm wondering why his words are making me feel so defensive—so angry. I can admit that much, can't I? After all the pain and humiliation, after the hold she has over me, finely crafted along with her mad woman's revenge. I can admit something as much as a sickness, just as I did a million times before in my head, over and over, every time she made me beg, made me cry, made me eat my own death out of her hand. Willingly, almost begging for that apple, like I did her. There's no lie in what he says.

But there's no lie in my love for her either, and there's reasons for that as well. There's always been good in her, which makes her darkness so desirable. It has drawn more than just me to her, like moths to a flame.

"It's over." I say instead, distant and distracted by my own thoughts.

"Do you love her?" There's no surprise at the question, only that he's waited this long to ask it. Regardless, nothing good would come from me answering him.

"I chose to be with you. I _want_ to be with you, and I do love you David." My words pull out every ounce of sincerity I can muster, because I mean them as I say them. There's reasons why I'm leaving, going over them again in my head. This _is_ the right decision. And now, we're at a standstill, because I'm not willing for this conversation to go any farther, so decisions have to be made on his end. My words are final, and he needs to decide if this is something we can try to work out, or if too much damage has already been done.

Eventually David does nod his head in acceptance, or defeat, hugging me and telling me we'll be okay.

As it stands, I have no idea if he's right.


	9. Such A Lasting Pain

AN: I'm pushing forward to get more updates posted. I will be finishing this story, even if I'm typing it in the nursing home when I'm 80. It's going to be finished. I'd like to thank you all for your reviews and messages you've been sending me via this site. I appreciate every bit of feedback I can get, and I love all of you for the support.

This chapter takes place between Mine Alone to Hate chapters 13 and 14. Snow is in the enchanted forest with David, and their fighting Cora, and Regina is back in storybrooke.

Warnings: there's some blood and light violence, also lightly insinuated black queen. Nothing more than any of my MAtH chapters.

* * *

The tavern is dark and smoky, despite the cloudless high noon sky, a place that seems to forgo windows to match its shady clientele. David and I try to dress down for the meeting, but even with our simple boots and swords, with cloaks covering our uniforms, it seems enough to cause a quiet to settle among the bar patrons when we arrived, that as well as the daylight flashing across the tables and bar as we opened the door just long enough to enter. By now though, they've all gone back to their own business or pleasure, and we have settled at a table with three dirty mugs of warm ale, but the man sitting across from David and I couldn't care less about the way his alcohol is given, as long as it is given freely. The man is drunk already, settled in this spot long before we got here and he has been alternating between the ale we were buying and the flask inside his leather vest.

The metal of his hooked hand shines as it waves absently in the air between us. He swallows hard and slams the now empty mug between us, gesturing for another one already.

"This is all your fault, you know." His accent is getting thicker by each drink, eyes glossed from his drunkenness and bloodshot from sleepless nights, and those blue eyes were looking right at me.

"What?" I don't really expect that to be what comes from his mouth when we insist that at least _something_ useful better come from it before we lose our patience. His eyes are boring into me now though, serious and cold, as if David no longer exists.

"The curse." The pirate exclaimed, jabbing one of his fingers on the table for emphasis. "The evil queen, wanting her revenge on _you_," My heart beats fast at his words because I haven't heard anyone speak of her since we got to this land. "And her bounty for you turned to her and everyone else being swept away to a land no one could get to. And when the curse broke, we were supposed to go as well, just as she promised." Cora. I had heard this story, from others besides him. How a small part of the land was protected from the curse, only to meet a worse tyranny than they ever knew from Regina. The Queen of Hearts who was strong in wonderland grew even more cold and cruel back in the Enchanted Forest. Staying at what was once Regina's castle, and even before that my family's, leading her men by the whispered commands in her drawer of hearts. Floor to ceiling, it's said that she has a long stretching hallway of them. But the Queen herself? There's only stories and fear, only my people's bodies laid out to me as gifts, and controlled messengers in lieu of her actual presence. I've yet to see her face in the 4 months we've been here. "Cora wanted to be reunited with her daughter, and me with the dark one's head." The drunk pirate continues, boasting about his revenge but there's fear deep in his eyes, just like everyone else in this land. "We couldn't find a way, so she just kept going on about 'best laid plans' and 'patience'. Well, I waited more than any of them. I'm done waiting. All I want is Rumplestiltskin, and all she wants is to _wait._" A disinterested waitress finally comes by with another three mugs, even though David and I haven't touched our first ones. More for the pirate, I suppose. Once the woman is out of earshot, he continues on as if she was never there."Hoping one day her daughter will show up in some flaming chariot, so they can have their demon reunion in hell."

"Hook—" David starts, sounding more annoyed than anything.

"Captain." The pirate corrects, and I feel my eyes rolling despite myself.

"Captain Hook." My husband actually manages a halfway convincing smile and his head dipped in apology, which made me tense next to him because David usually hits someone right after he makes that face. Which I do feel proud of my ability to still read him after all this time, because he's reaching over the table quick and grabbing the front of Hook's vest, and I'm sliding my chair away to give the men their space for a more barbaric communication. He lifts the drunken and limp body of the pirate up to match his glare, face to face. "We need a weakness." David hisses, angry and tired of all this fighting. We all are.

"She's made of stone," Hook snaps, eyes trying to focus through the haze of alcohol. "Crafted from Medusa herself."

I gently touch David's arm, and a moment later he's none too gently dropping Hook back into his seat.

"Well, even Medusa can be defeated, believe me." My words catch on hook's attention as he brushes off the front of his vest in offense to being manhandled.

"That's because Medusa had a heart." He scoffs starts to take another sip while mumbling; "Try finding Cora's."

"We're not interested in appealing to her sentimental side—" David starts with an edge in his voice.

"Cora's heart." I say and a silence covers the table, the pirate not making eye contact. Of course. The Queen of Hearts wouldn't be fool enough to keep her own heart in her chest. That would make her too human. "Where is it?"

Hook is already shaking his head and physically waving the question away.

"Somewhere no one can find. Not you with your brute force," A harsh glare towards my husband, then a softer but more suspicious one towards me. "Or you with your pretty face. Without a heart, she cares for nothing."

Another beat of silence passes until I speak again.

"Except her daughter. That's not for nothing."

The pirate doesn't answer, and only looks back down into his drink, I motion to David, and we're standing and ordering the pirate more liquor as we go off to an empty table to stand near, out of earshot of Hook.

"We need to find Cora's heart." There a little hope in my voice, because this is a small break, but it's the only one we've had since we came here.

"Okay, but how are we going to get Hook to talk?" David asks, because of course that's our one obstacle. A drunk and terrified lackey.

"He's too scared, and who's to say he even knows where it is?" He nods, in reluctant agreement. "And the longer we have him here, the more risk we have that Cora will find us."

"Let's take him with us. Hook is also Cora's closest ally and we can't fight her forever." It's a quick and desperate plan on our part, but we would be lucky if we made it another month fighting Cora. Still, the idea of transporting a drunk pirate so close to the queen of hearts, against his will on top of it? It wasn't ideal. David senses my hesitation. "What do you want to do?" He asks then, but my hesitation only grows at the question.

"You won't like it." I say, and immediately feel him tense.

"What won't I like?"

"We…" I avoid eye contact from him. "Should get Regina to help us."

"You have _got_ to be kidding." I'm shushing his outburst because it's louder than I feel comfortable with, given our surroundings.

"We have enough magic to open a portal, to send someone back." I try to explain, and David's quick to interrupt me.

"And let me guess, you'd happily volunteer?"

My voice grows colder and eyes narrowing.

"David, you heard him. Cora's practically obsessed with Regina."

"She's not the only one." He snaps in an angry whisper.

I take a calculated breath, trying to reach him and stay calm at the same time.

"We need to be unbiased about this. If Regina helps us find a weakness—"

"Unbiasedly, there's no reason why she would help us. Unless, you found _some_ way to convince her." He's getting more angery and his voice rising. I look around to make sure we're not drawing attention to ourselves.

"This isn't about that."

David laughs at me almost cruelly.

"About what? Just say it. You'd rather go be her consort than my wife."

It's like a slap in the face when he says it, never, _never_ has he taken such a disgusted and degrading tone with me. My mouth opens but no words come out, and it's only a brief second later that his angry eyes and sneer disappear from his features. David shakes his head and looks down to avoid the hurt in my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, but I go numb all over.

"Find out what you can. I'll be back at camp." My voice is monotone, not looking back as I storm out of the tavern.

* * *

David is right, my mind went back to her as soon as I had an excuse to. Even before that, being back in the land we're all from, despite its war-torn changes, it's hard not to think of Regina.

And even before that.

A sigh escapes me, lost in my own thoughts when I finally enter my tent back at our camp. I'm alone, coming straight back here after the tavern and careful I wasn't followed. After getting some updates of the day while we were gone, and dodging some questions about the prince, I finally found myself alone in the tent, and whether or not David will return before morning is something I can't know or bring myself to care about.

I honestly thought this would be better, this distance from Regina could allow me to go on with my life. It only makes me realize that there was never a part of my life that didn't revolve around her. She's been a storm that I feel as if I was born in, destructive and dark, but instead of trying to claw my way out, I've always gone deeper in search of the calming eye. That storm lives in my head now, and we could be worlds apart but I'll feel her every moment.

Before I even have a chance to settle in the silence of my surroundings, the tent opens and I turn to see David walk in with a small smile on his face as a greeting. I don't return it, hoping he would've decided to stay out until morning. His cloak from the tavern was gone already, wearing the uniform he had underneath it and a sword at his hip still.

"David." I greeted coolly. "Did you find out anything?"

He paused a moment before answering.

"Nothing much. Nothing we didn't already know." David said casually and giving a slight shrug as he moved his eyes around the tent, avoiding my gaze. Being back this soon, he couldn't have stayed at the tavern much longer than I did, and it makes me wonder if he even tried.

"He was our best chance." My tone has a bit of a warning to it, gently chastising in its own way. His temper with the pirate probably got him unwanted attention.

"Well, we'll just have to find another way." His voice is a little too unbothered for my liking. "Any suggestions?"

A frustrated sigh comes out before I can stop it.

"I already gave you my idea, and you weren't fond of it."

"I overreacted, and I shouldn't of. Let's keep talking about it." David sounds apologetic and his smile is gentle as he takes a few more steps towards me.

"Did you partake at the tavern?" I ask, side eying him and giving a disbelieving chuckle. He looks at me, his eyebrows crease in innocent confusion. A moment longer of consideration has me shaking my head and looking back to the clasp on my cloak, undoing it and starting to strip the armor away from the tiresome day. "You seem much more…unbothered." My voice trails off, not wanting to spark another fight with him. We're doing that too much, and more than a few of our people have noticed.

"We have more important things to be worrying about than petty arguments. I want this fighting to stop just as much as everyone." My head raises once I toss the cloak along with my blade on a nearby chair, meeting his eyes. "I don't want this war to hurt anyone else." While David walks towards me, his face is so clear of any upset—or really anything at all. Not even at his most civil towards me, not even the few times we tried and failed to be intimate since arriving to our old land, not even then were his eyes so clear. He's held onto it every moment, shifting a darkness over his face when he looks at me. I've seen it every single time except for right now. He reaches up and cups my cheek, smiling so softly, and his hands feel like ice, as a thumb traces my jaw line with a tender touch. It makes me go cold all over. "Mostly, I want my wife back." There's a vague tone of seduction in his words, as he leans in to kiss me.

My body shifts towards him, but before he can make contact with my lips, I've unsheathed the sword at his hip and have the blade between us and against his neck.

I know David. This isn't David.

His hands go up in a mock surrender, face full of mock surprise, backing away from me a few steps until I have the blade outstretched and its tip pointed at his chest.

"Snow…"

"Cora." I say coldly.

A silence settles between us, and without denial, I feel my stomach sink. This is bad. Very bad, and I'm so _stupid_ not to have seen it earlier, but I've felt so disconnected from David as of late, and I've shown weakness to her because of it. Cursing myself can wait though.

The one thing—what I made sure to drill in everyone's head—is don't underestimate Cora. I know what she's capable of.

She smiles David's smile, and it looks so twisted and wrong, like a warped mirror giving off a distorted reflection.

"Clever girl." The octave of his voice goes a bit higher, taking on a regal sort of air that his never did. Authoritative and stern, but never a voice of royalty. "The husband may have been too presumptuous." She still keeps his body regardless, just to disorientate me, trying to make me as vulnerable as possible. All it's doing though is making me angry. "I may have had better luck with someone more familiar to both of us." Then a purple cloud surrounds her, but instead of the woman I remember, all that remains is the sight of Regina. I feel my body freeze and a gasp escapes my lips before I can stop it. It isn't just Regina, it's Regina from years ago. From before her title of 'evil queen', her hair long and curled around her shoulders, wearing the most stunning simple white dress. When my mind would wander as younger woman, when it would imagine her in any way, my mind would imagine Regina like this. I wonder briefly if Cora has gotten ahold of my heart, what with the way I feel it just crush at the sight. "Would this be better than your prince?" Cora giggled childishly, twirling once to show off the gown. Her cruelty seemed to be full of playfulness tonight, so I take a few deep breaths before my emotions over took me. Seeing what even just looks like Regina is enough to bring me to tears, but that can wait.

"What's the matter, Cora?" I ask and her smile fades at the casual tone I'm using. "So much blood on your hands, you can't stand the sight of your own face?"

"Any destruction I caused was simply self-defense. You are trying to take my thrown, after all." She reasons, with Regina's voice, and right before I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, Cora smiles wide and dark, like a Cheshire cat, before finally taking the glamor away. The smile stays, and I see such a resemblance between the two of them because of it. "Ah, repeated history." Cora sighs, looking not a day older than when I was ten, her body covered in a dark purple and black gown. Now as herself, she clasps her hands in front of her, and starts to circle me curiously. I follow her movements, not letting my back go to her. "…My daughter always favored you. They all did." She stops and takes a few steps to me, sidestepping my sword gracefully, and I feel my grip on it waver for a moment. "The things a pretty face can buy." Her hand moves to touch my cheek but I jerk away as red fills my sight.

"If you touch me, I will kill you." I spit at her, stepping back and raising the blade once more. My defiant words causes a look of disapproval cross her, because she thinks she has the upper hand. Here, with me alone, maybe, but I have an army, and we have plans, and loyalty is stronger when it's because of gratitude rather than fear.

"Dear child, your threats are as empty and fragile as that pedestal you stand on." My combative stance is dismissed as she looks back around the tent curiously. "I've noticed you've learned to block the looking glass spell. A trick no doubt learned because of Regina." A knowing glance is spared towards me that makes my throat go dry. "One of many tricks, I'm sure."

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean." I don't let her affect the infliction in my voice.

"Such a lasting pain never to know love, isn't it?" Cora continues, as if I never spoke at all, not caring about my words either way. "And the love of a mother and a daughter is the most powerful there is. How hollow that must have left you."

My eyes narrow in suspicion at her accusation, one with a purpose lost on me.

"My mother loved me."

"Regina never did." She states, eyes settle and point at me once more. My sword is lowering slowly, only because of its weight straining my arm.

"Regina is not my mother." I feel my cheeks start to get warm, my nerves getting the best of me. Four months in this land, and all her battling has been second hand, all the fighting has been with her armies and creatures she controls. Four months and I never saw her face, now she finally shows up and all she wants to do is chit chat.

"As close to it as you ever got while you were growing into a woman." Cora scans my form off handedly, but I feel it like ice down my spine. "She claimed the title, for so many years, so why still deny her of it? Was she not maternal towards you? Could you never bond with her, as she did with me?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or be angry at such a claim. A claim that Cora would be a better mother to anything, compared to anyone.

"You only ever saw her as property." My voice snapped at her, leaning more towards angry. I remember well, clear as ever, even after all this time. I remember the look in Cora's eyes when she would land her sight on Regina. It was disturbing and confusing to a child of ten, not knowing the depth and layers of such an abusive dynamic. I remember thinking that the way Cora looked at her, was the way one would look at a servant, or a servant to a dog. It wasn't appropriate, and it made me feel uncomfortable to see, almost as if I wasn't meant to.

"Quell my curiosity, dear." I hate hearing that label come from her mouth, and her claims of simple curiosity rings hollow. "How did _you_ see her?"

The words remind me my role in this though, and it isn't to defend Regina in any way. Cora needs weaknesses, and I have an abundance of them in Regina's name, but my strengths are in bravery and stubbornness, and I won't allow her to exploit me that easily.

"The same way I see you, as a villain. And I will defeat you, just as I defeated her. It will turn into an easy feat if all you choose to do is spend your time speaking of her." Her dark eyes narrow at me, and I gain strength in my voice and my words. "Your obsession with a fallen queen isn't a secret, at least it's certainly a rumor running rampant through your troops. You mind's eye only on her and not on the power and treasures you promised them. You can dream all you want of a lasting pain for me, because all I need to do is wait out a mutiny against you." I laugh lightly, but without humor. "You should be grateful she's not here by your side, because I know once you've gone to the end of every world for her, she'll still reject you." If there is one thing Regina knows how to do very well, it's how to push people away.

"As she rejected you?" Is all Cora responds with, her voice low and dark, and I take a threatening step towards her, being led by the heat of my cheeks from her claims.

"I left the land she occupies willingly, not banished by her as you were. All the hearts you've collected, but the only one you want is the only one you can never grasp. Such a lasting pain, _isn't it_?"

Her face twists in anger and hand reaching out as if to grab at me, so I try lifting my sword but nothing happens. Cora's magic suddenly causing all my muscles to seize. Magic gripping me to my very bones, feeling as it even moves my lungs to its own accord. My eyes grow wide at the shock and the only sound is the metal of the sword hitting the ground.

"It may seem we have that in common." Her steps are slow as they close the space between us. "But blood is stronger than the lies behind your family name. Despite how my daughter may have pushed me away in the past, I will never give up on her. I will never abandon her, send her away as a defenseless infant to fend for herself in a foreign land." I try to struggle then, my anger rising at the implication, knowing she's talking about Emma. "Never in all my deeds would I do anything as heartless as that. I love my daughter."

"God only knows what loving her means to someone like you." I manage to croak out through the hold of magic on me, and Cora says nothing at my harsh and cutting words, at my ability to always push too far. My anger allowing for a childish stupidity to come out in spades.

Cora simply moves her raised hand slightly, in the most offhanded and casual movements, a brisk wave in my direction, and a cold eyebrow raising as its only emphasis. The action though, causes me to fall straight to my knees, _hard_. Pain shoots up my legs and a flash of pain crosses my face. The magic keeps a stronger hold on me, and I can't even move my head to follow her movements.

On my knees and frozen in place, Cora is in front of me without her face in view, but I suddenly have the feeling of her fingers moving through my short hair, soft and gentle with her nails lightly running along the top of my scalp to the back of my head. Nausea is growing inside me, but as her hand twists and grabs a fist full of hair, the sharp pain pushes back any other feeling. Her wrist snaps my head back as far as it will go forcing me to look up to her face, her eyes are dark coal and full of an anger I couldn't make out as clearly as when we were circling each other a moment ago. They're piercing into mine while her other hand slowly moves to cup my cheek.

"Do you have an urge to know what God knows, Snow White?"

Her thumb brushes over my bottom lip.

I feel the magic that's immobilizing me grow tighter around my limbs, causing a pressure and pain to surround me everywhere.

"She's going to kill you." Cora practically growls, because I did get under her skin, and it looks as though I might die for it. She releases my hair but keeping her hand on my face with a strong hold on my jaw. "You will look at her like a child with love in her eyes, and she will crush your heart right in front of you. All for me." As Cora speaks, her words grow darker, her hand gripping my face tighter and tighter, fingers digging in with the rage building up. I feel one of her nails break skin deeply, drawing blood. "She will belong to me completely, and that will be the last thing you see before you die." Fingers twisting in my skin, feeling as if Cora is ripping it right off my face, marking me for slaughter, and the image of Regina's lip scar filters into my mind.

The binds of magic grows tighter still, starting to compress my chest as I struggle to breathe even more and my eyes water as I choke, feeling my head start to float away, limbs turning numb. A tear trails down my cheek mixing with the blood along my jaw, and the moment before I feel as if I'll die, my blackening vision clears as Cora releases me. I fall to the ground completely just as a purple cloud of smoke surrounds her, making her disappear.


	10. A Terrifying Weakness

AN: This chapter is a flashback and takes place after MAtH chapter 25: frivolous daydreaming. Its shortly after Snow confesses about being jealous of Sidney in FTL, and Rumple gives Regina the idea to use Sidney to kill the king. I've had this chapter written for like, a year now, but the chapter before was such a slow process to write. So, I'm glad to be posting this finally, but also it's totally just flashback filler, so it's kind of a disappointing lead up for me lol

* * *

It was almost inappropriate. The gown I chose for the day was red with a simple corset but a flowing skirt, and it wasn't one of my normal picks. No one thought it too odd though, because sometimes I enjoyed spending my days in empty ball rooms practicing my dances or indulging myself as I read by a window. Frivolously daydreaming. So perhaps for any other princess on a day that held no importance, it might have been an inappropriate gown, but I was always a bit odd and the servants knew that.

Besides, Regina liked me in this dress. Which of course was the real reason for me to wear it as I made my way down long hallways, careful to lift the skirt of the gown as I moved. The last and only time I wore it, was at a ball my father was throwing, a masquerade that allowed me to deviate from my usual lighter pastels. I saw how it affected her the moment her eyes landed on me in the crowded dance hall. Her eyes went black, full of dark thoughts and bad intentions, scanning my form and then glaring at me with an angry lust she couldn't satisfy. It made me feel powerful and dangerous. It made me feel _sexual_. What Regina most likely felt on a daily basis, with the way she affected me. That's how I felt.

That fueled me through diplomats and princes, all the while feeling her eyes on me, sensing her unusual silence. It was as if she was stalking me like prey, and I would admit, it was more than welcomed. It had my skin flushed the entire evening, and allowed me to dance a bit too close to all those boys and men alike—just to feel those dark eyes burn into me a bit more.

After the dances had dwindled down, and the first opportunity that presented itself, she quickly took my elbow in her hand, leading me out of the room with a firm grip, and my body was on fire already—already humming and alive, all for her. We didn't even make it to a bedroom. She took me in the hallway, one that was abandoned in lieu of the activities, and it was so dangerous and wrong, but it didn't cause me to protest. It only made me come apart by her fingers even faster than usual, my red dress bunched around my waist as her hand worked expertly between my legs. I bit hard into my lip to keep from crying out as her shallow and uneven breath hit my neck. Once I finished and looked at her, she was glaring at me, smearing wet fingers along my inner thighs.

"_Never wear this dress again."_

The order was angry and undone, and I reveled in it but nodded softly all the same.

And I didn't wear it again until this day when I finally found myself in front of Regina's bedroom door, hesitating only slightly and wondering if I should knock or just enter her space without invitation. Open her double doors in some romantic fashion, take her in my arms and kiss her until her anger and isolation fades and lifts away from us. Until she saw that those dark moods she fell into would be so much easier if I was there by her side.

I hesitated, then I knocked.

Without an answer though, I did open the doors, my eyes searched the space to see if I found her. Which I did, but she wasn't alone. I went cold all over, because for the briefest moment, I thought it was my father who was walking back from the balcony, alongside Regina. He was still out for the day, but it was possible I hadn't heard of an early return. My steps stuttered to a stop, and it took a moment to recognize that it wasn't my father but the former genie that was placed in my father's court. And who was occupying Regina's bedroom in his absence.

The cold feeling I had turned into a hot anger suddenly.

Even if the space of her room was massive to say the least, and I had seen her entertain people here and there, more personal friends and such. Even if, it was still almost inappropriate.

Regina had a small smile on her face when she had her gaze on him, the skirt of her simple royal blue gown was lifted with her hand as she walked. With my distraction though, her eyes went dark on me. Dark for a many different reasons, I could tell, as her eyes scanned the length of my body, taking in the dress I wore for her.

None of us spoke for a long moment, as I looked over to him, noticing the glass of wine in his hand, then back at her. The silence grew and I felt more and more out of place, uncomfortable and angry. She couldn't possibly have any interest in the new adviser, her eyes always looking through him any other time, but now here they were sharing a drink, and not another soul in sight. Finally, Regina arched an eye brow, her sight never leaving mine for an instant, as mine flickered between the both of them.

"We were discussing our politics." She finally said, as she gracefully took the glass from him, walking more into her room from the outdoor balcony, and placing it on a side table next to another half empty glass filled with the same drink. It was an explanation that I didn't ask for but certainly expected. After everything, at least. "It's important that all are bound by the same standards," Her sight finally broke and went to him, eyes lightening instantly, even a small smile grazing her features. Oh, how it burned at my very soul to see. "Considering you are foreign to this land, yet so close to the king."

"Does father know of this?" I spoke, before even thinking, and there was a threat in my tone. Not a real one, but enough to have Regina glare daggers at me, voice full of ice and venom.

"Of course, and I don't appreciate the accusation. He was welcomed and invited, which is more than I could say for others." She snapped, and I glared right back.

"My apologies, step-mother." A flash of something more dangerous than anger sparked in her eyes at my words, and I should have feared it, but it was a reaction at least, and I was desperate for anything at that point. She hated it when I called her 'step-mother', so I never did, and I assumed it was because she hated to be given such a maternal title when her thoughts of me were so impure. It brought such wrongness to our roles, that reminder of who we were supposed to be to each other. I knew I had overstepped once it was said, but I was angry and jealous, so my childishness came out in spades, pushing her in the most dangerous of ways.

"Leave us." The sharp order was given, while she scowled at me. I huffed a bit, utterly rejected and humiliated. There was obviously something more attractive to her than me or this dress, as I turned on my heels and started to walk to her door. "Not you, _dear_." It was emphasized with such a cold and sharp tone, sending a chill up my spine, and not all of it was from fear. I stopped my steps, and stayed frozen with my back to her, tensing and breathing becoming shaky while I heard the former genie move quickly and quietly. A hushed 'your majesty' as he departed with all his dubious intentions, and I couldn't bring myself to move. Not even once the two of us were alone, the quiet settled and stretched longer than appropriate.

I felt her eyes piercing into my back, her movements barely heard, but I saw the shadow of her behind me after a moment—I felt the heat of her anger burn a blush into the back of my neck.

"What did I tell you about this dress?" She whispered darkly, close to my ear, and it gave me confidence when the anger was not as prominent in her tone. My body turned towards her, and the way we stood eye to eye, it was hard not to kiss her—damned if she wanted me to or not.

"I missed you." The words sounded as anxious as I felt, but Regina acted like she didn't even hear me, eyes moving down to glance over my frame.

"I told you never to wear it—"

"You haven't looked at me for over two weeks." I interrupted desperately, and it took her aback. "You won't talk to me, you won't touch me." I try to close the space between us but her steps were subtle in keeping our distance. There was a part of me that suspected what I had done wrong, the last time we were together, it was in the study, and I confessed a jealousy that she seemed to indulge. I had taken too much liberty, pushed too far, just as I always did. Wanting her body and mostly wanting her walls to crumble around me. To find my way past her final mask and to see truly the woman that I was so weak for, just as she was weak for me in kind. And when I pushed too far, she'd deny me for a while and then we'd find ourselves back together, with more passion than before. Lately though, punishments like that would last the day, maybe two, but nothing like _this_—this coldness that came off of her like waves, bringing about a chill I couldn't shake "What were you doing with the genie?" My words were verging on an indignant demand as her silence grew long, and I realized that I didn't just want her eyes to look over me, or her hands on me. I wanted her. I wanted her to open up and give me something real. "You told me that he had nothing to offer you."

Regina started to pace around me, slightly uneasy, and trying to hide her nerves with an air of boredom.

"Perhaps I found a use for him after all."

"I could do for you anything that he could." My insistence brought my hand out, trying to still her movements, but she turned sharply at the movement, facing me with a disapproving glare.

"So sure of that, are you? As you play princess to your father and consort to your mother?"

She was trying to hurt me with her words, but even the knowledge of that didn't take the sting away. These were old games she was playing, trying to feed off of my shame, but my feelings for her shifted from shame to something else quite a while ago. I knew her too well to be led by her own insecurities.

"You're not my mother." I said with a cool tone and serious features. This was my fault, I supposed. I thought any attention from her was better than none at all, and when my mind was that starved for her, it never led anywhere it should. Regina sighed at that, turning away and walked slowly back towards the balcony. I was following her, not wanting the space she was trying to put between us.

"I am married to your father." She practically scolded, her back to me. I felt it like a weight on my chest. "With that knowledge and you still want me to pledge loyalty to only you? I am not yours to have." Regina finished, and I swallowed hard, gaining courage to stop her depart before making it to the railing of the balcony. My hand gently held onto her arm, causing her to jerk her head towards me, and there was so much anger in her eyes.

"You don't love him."

I didn't know exactly why I said it, because we didn't talk about him. Some things were known without speaking, though. Obviously she didn't. Obviously, she couldn't if she was with me at all.

Regina snapped her arm out of my light grasp, spinning on her heels to face me once more.

"Still not yours to have." She hissed, and her misplaced anger made me shake my head and plead with her.

"I don't think of you as property." That broke apart her rage, if only slightly. "You must know that…at least." And after those words that held too much weight, an equally thick feeling surrounded the silence between us, while she watched me. I don't know what she was waiting for, but the longer we stayed staring, the darker her eyes became, a violent sort of dark that was only getting worse in the moments that they would come, and it scared me. I dared not show it though. Her darkness was something I had gotten more used to, it soaked more into my skin every time, settled with the blood in my veins.

Then she smiled—no, it wasn't such as that—it was more of her face cracking open and showing teeth. A snarl that was disguised as a smile. My eyes looked away, but she followed the sight and kept me locked to her. Her hand raised and gentle on my chin, so I had no choice but to stand taller and bare her scrutiny of my face.

"Do you love me?"

It was hardly even a question, it seemed more like the punchline to a joke, so my features showed shock at that. Shock at the cruelty of her tone, and I felt young and childish for ever expecting anything else from her. I imagined many times her asking that very question, myself saying the answer, but now, hearing her say it aloud, with that bitter disdain lining her voice—it only seemed cruel, and nothing else.

Her hand wrapped around my waist and settled on the small of my back, pulling my body against her. Despite her cold tone, her body was warm, and I sighed without realizing. Regina's other hand went to wrap fingers gently around the back of my neck, spreading out into the thick of my hair. Much like a dance, the fluidity of her movements spun me around, and I felt the banister of the balcony press into my hips. My arms went up to grab her waist out of instinct.

"I always see you," Regina began, whispering and distant. "Looking at me like a child, with love in your eyes…" Her head tilted to the side, as she considered me. "But are you in love with me?" My mouth opened but my throat would make no noise, so she continued over my quick and shaky breaths. "Would you do anything for me? Anything a love sick genie would do?"

She knew I would. She knew I loved her. This wasn't a question asked because of secrets finally revealed, or for her to admit the same. I knew what she wanted, a part of me knew exactly what it was that she was asking for.

What she would ask a foreigner that let his eyes linger on a queen, who ruled a kingdom he had no loyalty to.

It terrified me, made me shake with fear, and she must have felt it against her hands. Because for a moment I thought she was going to actually ask me. I was afraid, because it was then I realized that I would do it. I would do more than anything, without hesitation—and what a terrifying weakness to have for someone who could be so terribly cruel.

But silence surrounded us, and because of it her eyes opened up, just as the cracks in her walls did. Her lips were close to mine, though no amount of smirk or sneer on her face could take away the pain I saw in her deep brown eyes, waiting for my answer.

"If you wish." I whispered, as I felt a tear trail down my cheek.

Regina kissed me, quick and harsh holding me tight before releasing me, and the force of it had me gripping the banister behind me instead of her, afraid we would both fall over the side. Her mouth ripped away from mine, her eyes opening to mine that never closed, and I saw that pain on her face was gone, nothing but a cold cruelty replacing it.

"_Love_." Regina spat the word out like poison on her tongue, lipstick smeared just enough to be a jarring sight to watch. Regina turned quickly away from me, my grip still tight on the banister just to feel like I had a grip on something. "It's weakness." The words tossed over her shoulder as she walked away without another word, and the next time I saw her was at my father's funeral.


End file.
